Everything on man's bucket list sex-related

ALL of the hopes and ambitions on a 29-year-old man’s bucket list are debauched sexual acts, it has emerged.

Stephen Malley of Colchester has no desire to tick off popular activities like parachuting or swimming with dolphins, instead aiming for a threesome and sex with a Swedish girl.

He said: “You only live once and I’m getting on a bit. If I want to get it on with a MILF while I’m still young enough to savour the contrast, I need to act now.

“When I was a teenager, reading about all the weird shit and crazy positions in Men’s Health, I assumed they’d just happen naturally. Not so, and it’s not like all that’s just made-up to fill magazines, so I’m putting the effort in.

“The bucket list runs to a couple of pages and includes everything from twins to my girlfriend’s best friend. I’m a pervert but come on, it beats shit like looking at the Grand Canyon. It’s a big ditch, get over it.

“I’m happy to incorporate normal bucket list stuff. See the Aurora Borealis while getting deep-throat. Reverse cowgirl at Machu Picchu. Visit the Great Wall of China and have sex on it.”

Girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “Stephen’s bucket list makes for fascinating reading. I’ve looked over it multiple times and not once does it mention ‘make a woman come.’”

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'I'm a bit overstretched' and other diplomatic ways to say you can't be arsed

BEING asked to do actual work? Then you get home and a friend only wants to go out for a f**king drink? Get out of it with these befogging phrases: 

‘I’m a bit overstretched’

Gives the impression of an Olympic gymnast who already has one foot behind her head and the other hooked over a bar, which is honestly how you feel inside. Not a woman slumped on her sofa next to a family bag of Doritos who could help you move but has a big schedule of binge-watching planned.

‘I’m at mental capacity’

Your mind only holds enough space for two things in your leisure hours – eating and sleeping. Drinking is more of a learned reflex. That’s why you simply haven’t the emotional bandwidth for the life-changing experience of meeting your mate’s new baby. If asked again, repeat and stress ‘mental’.

‘That’s going to be tricky for me’

How can you possibly attend an exhibition of Napoleonic teapots on a disappointing second date you’d forgotten making when you’ve got a colonoscopy in Manchester nine days before? The logistics just aren’t on your side, what with potential train and meteor strikes.

‘It can’t really be my focus right now’ 

Asked to take on a minor project, you launch into a pre-prepared list of every single ongoing job you have, from what’s open on your screen behind Twitter currently to stuff you were assigned in 2019 when you took the job and still haven’t looked at. The manager making the request will feel belittled and selfish for even asking.

‘Could we reschedule?’

A gamble on your friend’s popularity; if you throw another date out there and they say ‘yes, absolutely’ they’re clearly lonely and not worth hanging out with. If they reply ‘actually I’m chocka until September’ you can play Zelda in your pants, occasionally worrying if that makes you the unpopular one.

‘Is that tonight?!’

Damn your subconscious for blocking out this event and causing you to click away calendar and text reminders. It’s so lazy and unwilling! But now it’ll take two hours to get there, the buses are so bloody unreliable, afraid there’s just no way you can get to boardgame night with your ex and his weird housemates. Ah well.