The CV of Dominic Raab, Britain's least employable man

DOMINIC Raab is walking away from politics to take up one of the countless offers from employers who want an inept bully on staff. Here’s his CV: 

Dominic ‘Gripper’ Raab

Previous positions include foreign secretary, justice minister, lord chancellor, and deputy prime minister. Brexit secretary back in 2018 when Brexit was f**king Brexit. All positions only left either when all problems were entirely fixed or if resigning to destabilise boss.

Proudly did not serve in the Truss administration.

Career highlight: acting as prime minister for a week in 2020 when boss was seriously ill, running entire UK and colonial possessions. Returning it a week later in full working order. Nobody was allowed out or to do anything during this period, but still.

Currently Member of Parliament for Esher and Walton. Reason for leaving: just too small for a man of my stature and calibre. Polls are irrelevant to me, I’d outperform them. I’m definitely not worried I’d lose their poxy little election.

Experience previous to politics: six years working professionally as a solicitor, frequently for the Civil Service. But this was before it was a woke blob, in the New Labour years before everything went off the bloody rails.

Significant achievements: beat 2017 libel case against paid-off junior who baselessly accused me of bullying and sexual harrassment. Came creditable sixth in 2019 leadership contest. Brexit.

Organised 2021 evacuation of Afghanistan personnel while on holiday, from actual beach. Independent investigation of multiple bullying complaints upheld a mere two out of eight. Resigned on principle.

Co-author of Britannia Unchained, which accused Britons of being ‘the worst idlers in the world’ and ‘more interested in football and pop music’. This is the energy I’d bring to your business.

Black belt in karate, third dan. These hands are lethal weapons. This is also the energy I’d bring to your business if anyone thought they could f**king cross me.

Areas of expertise: bullying, the importance of the Dover-Calais freight crossing (hard-won), foreigners, deportation, glaring.

Interests: Country walks, reading, spending time with family.

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Weirdos who fancy politicians asked if they have heard of other people

ANYONE claiming to harbour crushes on Penny Mordaunt, Angela Rayner or Dishy Rishi Sunak has been asked if they have heard of models, porn stars or actors. 

The claims, which come from across the political spectrum and are deeply offputting, attempt to elevate the likes of Jacob Rees-Mogg and Lisa Nandy into sex symbols when there are baristas in your town far hotter.

Joseph Turner said: “A crush on Keir Starmer? No. You have a crush on wanting attention.

“You can find a dozen people sexier than any politician by strolling into a Wetherspoons in South Shields. There’s an internet bulging with porn and and you’re spaffing one out to a woman in a trouser suit talking about NHS waiting lists on BBC Parliament.

“Penny Mordaunt holding a phallic object was sexier than anything surrounding her, since Meghan stayed home and Kate came as a maypole, but if she wasn’t a politician she’d be your Mum’s mildly foxy divorced friend or the 16th hottest woman in Portsmouth.

“Nobody fancies Jacob Rees-Mogg. Nobody’s fantasising about being a housemaid pregnant with his Lordship’s bastard being thrown out onto the streets to die alone on Christmas Eve. Give it up and crush on someone real.”

Stephen Malley said: “I claimed to have a bit of a thing for Sanna Marin, but she’s single now and what have I done about it? F**k all.”