DOMINIC Raab is walking away from politics to take up one of the countless offers from employers who want an inept bully on staff. Here’s his CV:
Dominic ‘Gripper’ Raab
Previous positions include foreign secretary, justice minister, lord chancellor, and deputy prime minister. Brexit secretary back in 2018 when Brexit was f**king Brexit. All positions only left either when all problems were entirely fixed or if resigning to destabilise boss.
Proudly did not serve in the Truss administration.
Career highlight: acting as prime minister for a week in 2020 when boss was seriously ill, running entire UK and colonial possessions. Returning it a week later in full working order. Nobody was allowed out or to do anything during this period, but still.
Currently Member of Parliament for Esher and Walton. Reason for leaving: just too small for a man of my stature and calibre. Polls are irrelevant to me, I’d outperform them. I’m definitely not worried I’d lose their poxy little election.
Experience previous to politics: six years working professionally as a solicitor, frequently for the Civil Service. But this was before it was a woke blob, in the New Labour years before everything went off the bloody rails.
Significant achievements: beat 2017 libel case against paid-off junior who baselessly accused me of bullying and sexual harrassment. Came creditable sixth in 2019 leadership contest. Brexit.
Organised 2021 evacuation of Afghanistan personnel while on holiday, from actual beach. Independent investigation of multiple bullying complaints upheld a mere two out of eight. Resigned on principle.
Co-author of Britannia Unchained, which accused Britons of being ‘the worst idlers in the world’ and ‘more interested in football and pop music’. This is the energy I’d bring to your business.
Black belt in karate, third dan. These hands are lethal weapons. This is also the energy I’d bring to your business if anyone thought they could f**king cross me.
Areas of expertise: bullying, the importance of the Dover-Calais freight crossing (hard-won), foreigners, deportation, glaring.
Interests: Country walks, reading, spending time with family.