Ex now hot again

A WOMAN is furious that the man who was unkempt and slovenly when they were going out has got his shit together and looks good again.

Lauren Hewitt saw a photo of ex Jack Browne on a mutual friend’s Instagram and was annoyed to see he no longer looked like the sack of shit she recalled from when they broke up.

Hewitt said: “When our relationship ended, he was a mess. He’d basically spent the previous year cosplaying as a slug.

“His personal hygiene was atrocious, he’d given up wearing anything that fastened with buttons or a zip and he only rolled off the sofa to go to the fridge for another Peperami.

“And now I see a picture of him on a beach with a sharp haircut and a nice tan. He’s almost got a six-pack, for f**k’s sake. When we were dating the only six-packs I saw were the ones of Grolsch that he would drink every night while playing Fortnite.”

Browne said: “I’ve had to get myself together since I’m back on the market, but I can’t bloody wait to snare a new girlfriend so I can go completely to seed again.”

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Complete losers' football teams facing relegation again

THE total loserdom of tens of thousands of football fans is shortly to be confirmed when their crap football clubs are deservedly relegated.

Fans of Leeds, Everton and Blackpool will once again come face-to-face with what utter failures they are in life and in the clubs that represent them.

Jack Browne, a fan of already-relegated Southampton, said: “I always suspected I was a small-town loser who only existed for others to score easy points off, and this confirms it.

“Everyone knows I’m a Saint, so everyone will now associate me with not being able to cut it at the top level and slinking out almost unnoticed. Which is fair.”

Leicester fan Steve Malley agreed: “My glory years will forever be behind me. Indeed once my club, and by extension myself, returns to its true, mediocre level they’ll haunt and hurt me.

“I thought our victories made me special, so it’s only fair that I accept relegation is my fault, my destiny and my future. Proof if it was needed that 2016 was a one-off and I am and always will be a dead loss.”

He added: “Or Leeds lose at West Ham, we beat Newcastle and they’re shit and we’re f**king brilliant and my divorce is off. Could go either way. That’s football.”