Five catastrophically bad times and places for sex that men would still be totally down for

THERE are times in life when stripping off and having sex would be a disastrously stupid idea, and men would be down for them all. Including these.

During couples therapy

Couples therapy is a tense situation where everyone’s flaws are dissected at length while a stern counsellor quietly nods along and secretly takes sides. It’s about as erotic as defusing a bomb or bleaching a toilet. But if shagging was suggested as some sort of team building exercise, men would have their pants round their ankles in seconds. For the sake of the relationship.

On a plane flying through heavy turbulence

Every man wants to join the mile high club, even if the plane feels like it’s going over speed bumps at 550 mph and could crash at any moment. While frigid squares are quaking in the brace position with their seatbelts on, men would eagerly scuttle off to the toilets for a quickie. If you’re going to explode on a mountain, you might as well do it while you’re on the job.

At work while getting made redundant

Losing your job is one of the most traumatic things a person can go through. Not only have you suddenly got to find new work, but you also need to log into LinkedIn and update your profile. This isn’t enough to turn a man off though. If the HR manager decided to offer them a sexy severance package right there on the office table, they’d happily take it.

When the three-minute warning air raid sirens blare

The world is allegedly closer to nuclear annihilation than for many years. But if the three-minute warning sirens start sounding and people hurriedly begin to make their way to shelter, men will quickly cast their eyes around for a potential shag. The only thing hotter than the scorching glow of a nuclear blast would be one last fumble with that sexy barmaid they’ve always had their eye on.

In a dentist’s waiting room while waiting for a root canal

Not only is anxiety at fever pitch in a dentist’s waiting room, it’s also a public place. Fears of a stranger rootling around sensitive nerves or being slapped with a public indecency notice would fade away for a man if a tasty receptionist or dental nurse shot them a wink. Most of them have jacked off to much, much weirder shit on PornHub anyway, so this would be a breeze.

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Six ways in which the Tories qualify as extremists, under their own laws

MICHAEL Gove, better known as The Government, has redefined extremism so he can ban any political group he dislikes, including the Tories, on the following grounds:

‘Undermine, overturn or replace the UK’s system of liberal parliamentary democracy’

Does prorogation in August 2019 ring any f**king bells, Michael? No? Gove was there, chancelling the Duchy of Lancaster, as the Johnson administration decided to sidestep inconvenient Brexit scrutiny by suspending parliament until the EU deadline had passed. The Supreme Court ruled it had an ‘extreme’ effect on the ‘fundamentals of democracy’. Sound familiar?

Invoking Article 50, October 2016

Then perhaps Gove recalls a few years earlier, as justice minister under a different failure of a prime minister, attempting to trigger Article 50 without the annoying involvement of parliament. That went to court too. You lost then, too. Remember? The paper your vile ex-wife works for called the judges ‘enemies of the people’?

‘The promotion or advancement of an ideology based on hatred or intolerance’

Then there are the general elections of May 2017 and December 2019. Staying with the Mail, it announced 2017’s election with the headline ‘Crush the saboteurs’ which is trés Soviet Russia. Bloody House of Lords. Bloody Remoaners making up half the electorate. You hated those bastards, didn’t you, standing in the way of your big Brexit win? Were you, perhaps, intolerant of their views?

Suella Braverman, 2018-2022

Perhaps Mr Gove remembers this former colleague and the loathing that twisted her face whenever confronting cultural Marxists, an academic term which she used to mean ‘those f**king bastards’. She invited far-right groups to come and have a go at pro-Palestine protestors despite the police being very much against that. Because of hatred.

‘Aiming to negate or destroy the fundamental rights and freedoms of others’

What half the Conservative party is doing, currently. The rights given by the European Convention on Human Rights are ours, yes? As humans, much as you want us reclassified as ‘active economic units’? And you’re planning to ‘negate or destroy’ them by taking us out of it for your Rwanda plan? Because the Tories are more extreme than a BMX rider doing a fakie front flip over a shades-wearing shark?

New definition of extremism, March 2024

As warned by three former Tory home secretaries, one of them a proper headbanger, and a group of senior counter-terrorism experts, unilaterally redefining extremism stamps all over the right to free speech. Still, can’t we trust that Michael Gove knows best? After all, he’s the one man involved in everything the government’s done for 14 years.