IN A new relationship and under the illusion the sex will always be this good? Here are five fun ways to kill the mood:
Put the lights on
If you want to slam the sex train against the buffers, insist on keeping the lights on. And not gentle mood lighting either: the big light. If that doesn’t make losing yourself difficult enough, try positioning a prominent mirror so you can be repulsed by your own dodgy facial expressions and pudginess as well as your partner’s.
Cut back on grooming
Start skipping the odd toenail trim here and the odd muff wax there, and you’ll be repulsing each other before you can say ‘seriously when did you last shower?’ Soon even the thought of a bit of light oral will bring on the retching.
Trying new things is the ultimate mood-killer. You thought mustering up the energy for missionary was tough on a Monday night? Try experimenting with an innovative new position that’s only pleasurable for the wildly athletic. Before you know it, you’ll be making excuses like a middle-aged married couple in a 80s sitcom.
There’s nothing like taking a leap of honesty to f**k up your love life. Wanting to be accepted for who you are is a great way to ensure you won’t be, so go ahead and share all your deepest fantasies and see how quickly your partner suggests a bloating takeaway and an old episode of Grand Designs.
Viking costumes, dodgy accents, stomach-churning awkwardness… be sure to go the whole hog and watch all signs of attraction drain from your partner’s face. Soon enough, you just won’t be able to keep your hands on each other.