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Five cheeky ways to put the brakes on your sex life

IN A new relationship and under the illusion the sex will always be this good? Here are five fun ways to kill the mood:

Put the lights on

If you want to slam the sex train against the buffers, insist on keeping the lights on. And not gentle mood lighting either: the big light. If that doesn’t make losing yourself difficult enough, try positioning a prominent mirror so you can be repulsed by your own dodgy facial expressions and pudginess as well as your partner’s.

Cut back on grooming

Start skipping the odd toenail trim here and the odd muff wax there, and you’ll be repulsing each other before you can say ‘seriously when did you last shower?’ Soon even the thought of a bit of light oral will bring on the retching.

Be adventurous

Trying new things is the ultimate mood-killer. You thought mustering up the energy for missionary was tough on a Monday night? Try experimenting with an innovative new position that’s only pleasurable for the wildly athletic. Before you know it, you’ll be making excuses like a middle-aged married couple in a 80s sitcom.

Share fantasies

There’s nothing like taking a leap of honesty to f**k up your love life. Wanting to be accepted for who you are is a great way to ensure you won’t be, so go ahead and share all your deepest fantasies and see how quickly your partner suggests a bloating takeaway and an old episode of Grand Designs. 

Role play

Viking costumes, dodgy accents, stomach-churning awkwardness… be sure to go the whole hog and watch all signs of attraction drain from your partner’s face. Soon enough, you just won’t be able to keep your hands on each other.

Why a pile of stinking manure is the perfect Christmas gift – AD FEATURE

LOOKING for a Christmas gift for that person who has it all? Pile of stinking manure salesman Martin Bishop explains why it’s this year’s hottest gift: 

Say hello to increased soil fertility

Year after year people rip open their Christmas presents to find a new PlayStation or flashy jewellery, and you can tell by the disappointment in their eyes that what they really wanted was increased soil fertility. Imagine their delight when they spy 800 litres of well-rotted organic manure under the tree instead.

Nobody else will think of it

There’s nothing worse than thinking you’ve chosen an imaginative gift only to find the recipient already has it. You didn’t keep the receipt so now you’re stuck with unwanted tat. This problem is a thing of the past thanks to manure, because nobody in their right mind would turn down a present this incredible.

It has a one-of-a-kind smell

In today’s cut-throat world of online dating, you can stand out with a signature scent. While  everyone else wears mass-produced fragrances by Marc Jacobs, you’re making an indelible impression by smearing handfuls of stinking manure onto the back of your neck. There truly is no stench quite like it.

It’s a cheap building material

Eight bags of manure are more than just a way to cultivate insect larvae, they can also be used as a construction material when compacted and dried. When you tell the recipient they can build their own house out of animal faeces they’ll think there must be a catch, but no. It really is as good as it sounds.

You’d be doing me a massive favour

Due to a cock-up in forward planning I have pile after pile of stinking manure taking up valuable space in my barn. If you were to take some of it off my hands you’d be doing me a solid and I’d buy you a pint sometime. Please, don’t make me beg. You get used to its foul reek eventually, I promise.