Clothes you wear around the house that you wouldn't be seen dead in outside it

FASHION doesn’t exist indoors. Instead comfort reigns, which means you answer the door to the postman wearing these outfits: 

Fleece onesie

Like a toddler at Christmas, you laze around the house in an all-in-one fleecy babygro which you have to unzip completely whenever you need a pee. Choose an animal-themed one with ears on the hood and you won’t even open the curtains in case you’re spotted and branded a furry forever.


First, they’re not comfortable because they’re plastic f**king clogs. Second, if you’re spending your weekends waddling around in primrose yellow crocs, you’ll be harshly judged by anyone in your house, never mind outside it. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they can’t have bottomless contempt for you.

Jogging bottoms

Which have never ever been used for their intended purpose: sport. No, these bad boys were specifically purchased for ‘lounging around’ and you’ve spent so many quality hours on the sofa in them over the years, you’ve grown fond of them like a beloved teddy bear. Despite the massive hole in the crotch.

A blanket

Who needs all that arm hole/leg hole faff when you can simply drape your sagging form in a thick layer of shapeless material? Flattering, easy and perfect for blotting out reality. Just be careful you don’t get too close to the hob while you’re heating up your baked beans.

Your birthday suit

It begins as a quick nip down the hall from bedroom to shower but, because you don’t care so what’s the point, you’ve started traumatising your housemate with the casual sight of you stark bollock naked. Why does it matter if you go close to the windows? The world doesn’t have a burning desire to see you in the nude. You’ve been rejected often enough to know that.

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Anti-lockdown riots in Europe making Remainer feel a right dick

A REMAINER who spent five years placing total faith in the wisdom and intelligence of Europeans is watching anti-lockdown riots feeling a total dick. 

After half a decade preaching the superiority of Europeans for not making suicidal decisions about their futures, Tom Booker is concluding that protesters burning down primary schools in the Netherlands have made him look like a wanker.

He said: “Guys. Hey, guys. You’re meant to be the rational ones, remember?

“You know, pro-economic good sense, anti-climate change, pro-science. What’s all this rioting? We’ve all had our vaccines, and we’re a nation of delusional idiots.

“I get that you’re angry at lockdowns. We were, but only because our leader’s a pitiful xenophobic chancer who refused to learn from the continent. Your leaders are cool multi-lingual technocrats, yeah? I only know Macron and Merkel but I assume they are.

“If you’re having lockdowns and we’re not, and you’re rioting and we’re not, it’s almost like you’re not effortlessly better than us and my whole dream of Europe as a sensible, wonderful paradise that always does everything right was a delusion.

“And it definitely wasn’t, because the ones who base their politics on delusions of national superiority are the other side. And they’re bad and I’m nothing like them.”