Five dumb but fair dating dealbreakers

There are good and bad reasons not to pursue a relationship, and sometimes the bad reasons mean more in the long run. Here’s five of them:

They eat too loudly

Brushed off on a first date if they’re pretty and fascinating, but if things go well? Before you know it you’re living together and they’re wolfing down casserole opposite every night taking big gulps of air through their mouth and you hear nothing else even in sleep.

They’re a bad kisser

Ignore that they might be out of practice. No matter how long their dry spell, it’s like being able to dance or parallel-park; you don’t lose it. Give them the benefit of the doubt and you’re kissing a dry little beak on your dying day.

They didn’t like your favourite movie

Shared cultural appreciation is important, so if they dare glance at their phone during The Princess Bride then they can f**k right off. If they can’t love Terminator 2, Dirty Dancing, Eternal Sunshine or Frankenhooker they can’t love you. Unless yours is the 1996 Doctor Who TV movie, in which case love is not deserved.

They snore

You can’t blame something for something they can’t control, unless it’s four f**king AM and they’re snorting like Satan possessing swine and they would only do this if they were evil. End it by getting up, turning on the lights, packing their bag, calling an Uber and opening the front door.

They’re not really hot, rich and 100 per cent compatible

There’s every chance the perfect multi-millionaire ten will walk into your life tomorrow. And what if it’s too late because you’ve compromised like a schmuck and built a relationship with someone who loves you unconditionally and supports you in all your endeavours? Ditch them immediately.

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Restrictions to end Monday because I like announcing it, says Johnson

ALL Covid restrictions will be lifted next Monday because it is ‘a fun thing to say and it makes me feel good’, Boris Johnson has confirmed.

Freedom Day will go ahead as planned on July 19 because even just saying those words makes the prime minister pitch a tent in his trousers, which is more important than safety concerns.

Johnson continued: “I’ve been delivering sombre, dreary f**king speeches ever since I got elected. So I’m not going to let something as trivial as rocketing cases of a dangerous new variant stop me giving Britain the good news.

“The sentence ‘face coverings no longer required by law’ alone made me go weak at the knees. Let the public transport companies add the necessary caveats. The words felt amazing coming out of my mouth.

“All that guff about proceeding with extreme caution was contractual. It’s the hot vax summer, bitches! Nightclubs and festivals and unfettered capitalism! Christ. I’ve gone off.”

Professor Chris Whitty said: “You know the score: he does his spiel then you listen to me.

“Don’t go mental. Use common sense even if you are double-jabbed. Try not to be a knobhead about masks. See you in October for the lockdown speech.”