Relive your A-levels: A fun interactive game

DO you miss the stress of taking exams to determine your future? See how you fare in our interactive game: 

1. It’s the night before the exams. What do you do?

Have a long, restful night’s sleep, safe in the knowledge that you’ve studied diligently for two years. Go to 2. 
Desperately try to memorise some bollocks from Hamlet like ‘Is this a hawk or a handsaw?’ while wishing you hadn’t wasted two years smoking crap hash. Go to 6.

2. How did you revise? 

Created a timetable and followed it to the absolute letter. There’ll be plenty of time to drink afterwards. Go to 3. 
Played videogames by day and at night got drunk on white cider in a quarry with a bunch of drop-out mates who call A-levels ‘a piece of paper’. Go to 7. 

3. The person you’ve fancied for two years is sitting in front of you in the exam. What do you do? 

Put their unattainable beauty out of your mind for the next three hours and focus on the job at hand. Go to 4. 
Spend the full three hours writing a poem about how pure your unrequited love for them is and forever will be, vowing to hand it to them afterwards to show them how you really feel, then put it in the bin while crying. Go to 8. 

4. You’ve finished the exam with 20 minutes to spare. What do you do? 

Go over your answers and add in any random facts you remember you haven’t included yet because it can’t hurt. Go to 5. 
Write Pink Floyd lyrics on the desk. Go to 10. 

5. Congratulations! You’ve passed all your A-levels and are so f**king clever you get into a Russell group university, condemning you to three years with thick posh twats in Durham.

6. You’ve failed! Now you won’t be able to spend £27,750 on tuition fees over three years and will have to get a job and earn money instead.

7. You’ve failed! And after resits in a crap local college you decide education isn’t for you and return to a life of videogames and white cider.

8. You’ve failed! But in the local pub post-results that person you fancied cops off with you because you’re a dangerous sexy outcast, so it was worth it after all.

9. You’ve failed! But it’s okay because you did Maths and Physics, and a shit university’s already been in touch advising your two Es and a N are good enough for teacher training.

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What is gesture politics and what isn't: Priti Patel explains

I’VE been in politics long enough to know what’s important and what’s a mere gesture by deluded millionaire Marxists who should stick to football. Let me explain: 

Taking the knee: GESTURE

As both a victim of and perpetrator of racism, I know it from both sides. And kneeling before a game isn’t going to change anything. It’s ineffectual playing at politics. So stop it. Stop it. It’s meaningless and unimportant nonsense which is why it is imperative you stop immediately.

Tweeting a picture of yourself supporting England: IMPORTANT

It is vital we work with the social media tech giants to ensure as many people get access to images of the home secretary in a boxfresh England shirt cheering on her national side as possible. Access to these pictures should be compulsory.

Speaking frankly about your experience of racism: GESTURE

Marcus Rashford and his fellow England heroes have a duty to remain silent and not ruin the nation’s memories of a successful Euros by talking about bad things. If they’d only keep quiet they’d have more racist support and would win more, logically.

Going on dawn immigration raids: IMPORTANT

It was entirely necessary for me to go on dawn immigration raids and see humans dragged from their beds to be deported. I’d lost my motivation and wasn’t even into taking my anger out on staff anymore. But those raids fired me up and now I’ve invented new asylum laws.

Securing school meals for children in poverty over holidays: GESTURE

Marcus Rashford chose, while earning an estimated hundred million pounds a week, to attack a humble, hard-working government whose leader had been very ill, just because he felt sorry for hungry kids. What he did achived nothing, which is why we opposed it so furiously.

Driving a Union flag-painted Get Brexit Done tractor through a polystyrene wall: IMPORTANT

That wall of polystyrene blocks was one of the key obstacles standing between Britain and Brexit. It wasn’t symbolic. It was literally stopping Brexit happening and then Boris drove through it and Brexit happened. Because that’s us. Not gesture politics. Getting things done.