Five foot one woman selfishly going out with six foot three man

A WOMAN who is 5ft 1in is insensitively going out with a man who is an enviable 6ft 3ins.

Grace Wood-Morris has selfishly enticed a man a full foot taller than her into a monogamous relationship despite it being excessive and unnecessary.

Friend Sophie Rodriguez said: “I’d be fine with Grace going out with anyone up to five foot seven. But six three is just irresponsible.

“As a petite woman, though admittedly with a big arse, she has a duty to only date the shorter man. You could still feel like a big powerful protector of Grace if you were a pathetic little five foot four runt. That’s what she could give to society.

“But instead she’s dating a man who towers over her, unfairly taking him off the market for perfectly nice girls who through no fault of their own stand five ten in flats.

“They should be forcibly split up and only allowed to date within mandated height brackets. I don’t care if she ‘loves him’. Of course she does, he’s six foot f**king three.”

Wood-Morris said: “He’s just a really lovely, caring guy. Though admittedly when we hold hands I feel like Daddy’s taking me to the zoo.”

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IKEA to provide couples' counselling stations throughout shop floors

IKEA is to open counselling stations on its shop floors to help couples through the trauma of buying its home furnishings, it has confirmed.

The Swedish retailer’s therapy areas will provide poor value for money, quickly fall apart when put to use, and lead to relationship strife in order to stay true to the overall brand.

IKEA spokesperson Lars Johansson said: “The counselling stations won’t appear anywhere on our baffling floor plans, so the ordeal of finding them will test the relationship of even the most compatible and happy couples.

“Once they’ve tracked them down though, feuding partners will be rewarded with unhelpful advice explained to them in a language they don’t understand. Don’t worry, they’ll be shown condescending diagrams of cartoon characters looking unhappy to get the point across.

“Then all they’ll have to do is lug their emotional baggage to the counter, fork out a shitload of money, and question why they bothered coming here. It’s a natural extension of our regular shopping experience.”

Customer Nikki Hollis said: “I’d like to imagine this is one IKEA product that won’t involve wrestling with an Allen key, but we all know they’ll find a way. They always do.”