Five jobs given to a man that will need doing again

MEN have split the atom and conquered space, yet struggle with simple tasks surely no one could f**k up. Here are five that will need doing properly afterwards.


A shopping list, however specific, will always present a man with the opportunity be ‘creative’, ignoring toilet paper in favour of things they find interesting. The simplest solution is to list all the items you don’t want, including six punnets of reduced price mushrooms and a plastic garden gnome family.

Hanging washing out

Pegging folded clothes onto a rotary dryer to save space defeats the point of the exercise. Men will also do things like using a dozen pegs to ensure his favourite shirt doesn’t blow away. You could always threaten to make him iron it himself, but then you’ll probably have to do it again afterwards.

Anything involving a cloth

To a man, the purpose of a cloth is pushing spillages and crumbs around rather than absorbing or removing them. A brief wipe of part of a surface also means that it is entirely cleansed to operating theatre standards. The same cloth may also be used to wipe anything from a chopping board to the dog.

Organising a party

When it comes to social events, men will tend to focus only on the bit of interest to them, ie. the drinks. Best to organise it yourself if want exotica like balloons and snacks that aren’t just six packets of cheese and onion crisps. And if it’s a surprise party, don’t expect it to be a surprise.


Unfortunately this is another task that is frequently not completed satisfactorily. Men can be given advice and tips, but don’t expect too much if he’s still not got the hang of shopping lists. 

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Why your relationship is a squalid knee-trembler compared to the magnificent love of William and Kate

THERE has never been a love as pure, as selfless or as holy as that of William and Kate. Compared to their marriage, yours is a sordid shag in a back-alley. 

And today, as they celebrate their 10th anniversary, your relationship looks even more worthless next to their refined perfection. 

Do you genuinely think that your 22-year marriage, two children and financial security can hold a candle to the utopian devotion of Britain’s shining couple? You insult them by even thinking it. 

Compared to them, your marriage is a loveless afternoon coupling between sales reps in a by-the-hour hotel in a bleak Midlands town. It is two mongrels locked in coitus in a park.

When you hold hands on the sofa watching TV, that is two tramps drinking cider in a wet cardboard box compared to Wills and Kate doing the same. Your fond smiles are cracked, toothless grins compared to the heavenly radiance of their beams. 

When they make love, the angels cry and reward them with blissful, wonderful offspring that delight the world. When you rut like beasts you produce annoying brats who no one would ever want to see on a calendar.

So bow your heads, accept that you are nothing, and worship them. Worship their sublime magnificence. And buy a commemorative tea-towel.