YOU’VE asked your girlfriend if she needs anything from the shops and she’s asked you to pick up some tampons. Here’s how to cope with this terrifying ordeal.
Your first thought is escape. Despite decades of social progress, you are somehow deeply afraid of purchasing a mundane hygiene product. Thoughts of booking a flight out of the country are a massive overreaction, you idiot.
You consider telling her that they were out of stock, hoping that her bodily functions will respect the situation and temporarily pause. Unfortunately, you live next to a big Tesco and it’s inconceivable that they’ve run out of sanitary products. There is no escape, so you should probably just bite the bullet and get on with it.
Lurk around awkwardly
At the shop, spend several minutes pretending to browse nearby aisles, desperately avoiding the dreaded ‘feminine hygiene’ section. You may even catch the eye of another boyfriend on the same mission, warily circling. Unfortunately, there’s only so long you can pretend to look at guacamole for, so it’s all systems go.
Eventually, you’ll find yourself standing before a vast wall of tampons and sanitary pads; feeling overwhelmed and scared by phrases such as ‘heavy flow’ and ‘applicator’. Your nerves are frayed and you’ve forgotten what brand you’re supposed to get.
Choosing the tampons
Illogically, you decide to just get her a random packet and hope that they’ll do. This is despite the fact that you bitterly complained last week when your girlfriend bought you the wrong brand of porridge oats – and you don’t even have to insert those into your genitals.
At the checkout you feel a strange need to say to the cashier: ‘They’re for my girlfriend.’ The weary look they give you says: ‘I feel sorry for anyone going out with you.’