Five people throughout your life you wrongly think could have been 'the one'

DO you still dwell on people who could have been your one true love? Here are five you wrongly think could have been your soulmate forever.

Your childhood best friend

Remember those sweet summer days riding bikes and eating ice cream in the park with him/her? Or staying indoors and playing GTA? Well you’re confusing how much you miss doing f**k all with love, you chump.

Your teenage celebrity crush

While many women in real life don’t show much interest in you, you always got the feeling that if Winona Ryder ever got stuck in your hometown she’d fall head over heels for you. Come off it.

Your nice colleague

You’ve heard a lot of stories about people that meet at work and you think that you could be one of the lucky ones. Well tough luck, because she had a boyfriend since the day you started and them breaking up wasn’t going to happen.

The barmaid at your local

After one too many bad dates you’d trundle off to your local pub to drown your sorrows and chat to a pretty young waitress whose job it is to be nice to you. Don’t confuse that with a missed love connection.

Your mate’s wife

‘If only you’d met her five minutes before he did’, you think. ‘She would have definitely gone for me instead.’ No. They would have got together behind your back and then you wouldn’t have a friend or a wife, so let it go.

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Six pitiable, pathetic Brexit benefits

THE latest great news about the post-Brexit sunlit uplands is that websites won’t ask for cookies anymore. What others are there? 

No more cookies

For three hellish years, Britons have been trapped in a nightmare of having to make one, if not two, extra clicks whenever they visit a new website. An estimated 22 billion working hours have been lost, depressing UK productivity and directly causing thousands of deaths. Now it’s over and companies can sell your data to whoever they want. 

Vegetable packers get pay dividend

Metropolitan liberals don’t care, but humble farmworkers have enjoyed a huge pay boost thanks to cheap, untrustworthy European cabbage-packers being sent packing. Wages have gone up by 20 per cent, and it’ll all be paid for by a few pence on shopping bills you won’t even notice.

Wine to get 13p cheaper

Next time a Remainer’s on about roaming charges or empty shelves, slap this in their supercilious face. Yes, because we’ve abandoned EU red tape about wine acidity we’re saving an average 13p per bottle, or 78p if bought in a restaurant. And our wine’s lovely and acid. 

Tim Tams, probably

For decades, travellers to the Antipodes have returned with colourful tales of a legendary biscuit called Tim Tams, unparalleled in deliciousness but unavailable here because the busybody EU banned tartrazine. Now we’ve got our own trade deal the Tim Tam ship is coming in by 2025 at the latest. 

The world’s toughest ivory ban

You thought we already had a tough ban on elephant ivory, just because you only see it in museums and on old pianos? Think again. Post-Brexit Britain will have the single toughest ivory ban in the world, tougher than any countries that have elephants. Finally the scourge of ivory will be cleared from our streets. 

No more EU flags

In the dark days before 2020, when everyone was miserable all the time, the EU flag could be freely flown anywhere in the UK as a reminder we were a vassal nation. But now automatic consent has been removed, you need permission to fly it. Permission that won’t be given because not one inch is given to traitors.