Five reasons to thank your lucky f**king stars you'll be single this Christmas

SAD to be single this Christmas? Here’s why being alone during the festive season is actually f**king brilliant: 

No in-laws

Halving the number of relatives you have to see or FaceTime can’t be bad. With the added pressure this year or either leaving them sad and lonely or potentially killing them at least singletons can pull the ‘yes, I’m all alone for Christmas too’ card before ending the call and grinning in relief.

Full control of the television

If you have a partner, you’ll want to watch Die Hard while they insist that Carols from f**king Kings is more ‘Christmassy’. If you’re blissfully single you never have to put up with someone else’s opinion, which let’s face it is always wrong and bullshit.

Drink what you like when you like

Fancy some festive Baileys on your cornflakes? Go for it. It’s much more enjoyable without some twat who loves you and is concerned for your welfare looking over your shoulder saying things like ‘How many units have you drunk this week’ and ‘It’s a slippery slope.’

Get a takeaway for Christmas dinner

You’re excused the immense faff involved in making Christmas dinner when you’re single. Find out what’s open locally and order something delicious that requires no washing up, like a pizza, sweet-and-sour ribs or a lamb bhuna.

No pretending that you like your presents

When you have a partner who buys you a real ivory chess set because you quite enjoyed The Queen’s Gambit, you have to fake delight that they spent £600 on it. When you’re single you can buy yourself a big Toblerone and be genuinely thrilled about it.

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Woman working from home on third Christmas movie of day

A WOMAN working from home has already watched Bad Santa and You’ve Got Mail today and is mid-way through a viewing of The Holiday. 

Aquisitions manager Lauren Hewitt is running low on festive movies after doing nothing but bingewatch them since 9am on Monday, but is determined to get paid for the full week even if she has to watch Nativity Rocks!

She said: “I’ve pretty much hit the bottom of the barrel with The Holiday, but what else am I going to do? Work?

“My laptop’s open and I hit the space bar every so often to keep the screen awake as I watch Cameron Diaz and Jude Law get off with each other and shout at Jack Black to f**k off.

“If you ignore the LA half of the film it’s alright. Well, you also have to ignore that there’s a fictional English country shire 40 minutes from central London where Kate Winslet has an affordable cottage and that the Telegraph gives her three weeks off for Christmas.

“Jesus, it’s two and a half hours long. Well, looks like that report’s not being filed until January.”

Hewitt’s boss Joseph Turner said: “Has Lauren done a bloody thing this week apart from the odd whinging email? Also, Winslet getting it on with Jack Black? This film’s bollocks.”