Everyone in tier 4 town blaming rival tier 4 town

THE residents of a Berkshire town are blaming the dirty bastards in their rival town for the restrictions placed on them. 

Locals in Bracknell believe their cancelled Christmas is entirely the fault of those superspreading twats in Wokingham six miles away, who have always been irresponsible self-important rule-breakers with poor personal hygiene.

Resident Roy Hobbs said: “Our Christmas ruined and our liberty taken for the foreseeable future because those Wokingham sods won’t wash their hands.

“This is typical of that bloody town. They’re all in and out of each other’s houses, coughing and smearing and singing and hugging. Filthy f**kers.”

But Carolyn Ryan of Wokingham disagreed: “That we’re locked down because the unwashed scum of Bracknell who can’t wear masks is unjust. Frankly, I’m waiting for an apology.”

Epidemologist Dr Helen Archer said: “The restrictions have applied uniformly because there is a pandemic and, since medieval times, townsfolk wander beyond their own walls to work, shop and be educated.

“That said I’m in tier 2, which I can only assume is because we’re better than those infectious dicks north of us in Staffordshire.”

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Middle-class tossers panic buying vol-au-vents

THE shelves of upmarket supermarkets have been swept clean by panicking shoppers stockpiling brie and cranberry tartlets, retailers have warned. 

The aisles of Waitrose, M&S and Booths are crowded with well-to-do consumers filling their trolleys with enough king prawn lollipops, sweet potato katsu bites and crispy duck straws to last until June.

Sweating shopper Julian Cook, who owns an IT consultancy, said: “I’m not stockpiling. I need all 30 boxes of these wild mushroom and parmesan vol-au-vents for my family.

“As soon as I heard the words ’48-hour French blockade’, I knew we’d soon be desperately low on finger foods and it was every man for himself.

“I managed to get three wheels of Canembert, a good supply of caviar-smeared blinis and enough lobster thermidor spring rolls to see us through until amuse-bouche supply lines are up and running again. It’s like a second Blitz.”

Mary Fisher had been self-isolating until she heard that a highly contagious new strain of Covid might get between her and a festive kilo of Jamón Ibérico from Waitrose’s deli counter.

She said: “I got straight down there. A choice between protecting society from Covid and six pork and ‘nduja croquettes is no choice at all.”