Putting on a panto, and four other activities if you're stuck in a lorry in Kent

TRAVEL restrictions may have been eased, but queues and Brexit mean the average HGV driver will still see Christmas in on the M20. This will pass the time: 

Organise a Secret Santa

Exchange mystery presents with other stranded hauliers by dippng into the back of your wagon and wrapping up whatever you find there. Just watch your new Romanian friend’s face light up when he opens a Land Rover fanbelt and gives you a live sheep in return.

Put on a pantomime

Nothing raises spirits like a festive production of Jack and the Beanstalk. Commandeer a flatbed truck for the stage and start auditioning. But when the 6ft 8in former mercenary dude from Moldova asks to play the dame, let him.

Form a government

With insufficient toilet facilities and food, it’s time to take action and form a functioning administration in a country that’s clearly without one. This will inevitably split into two rival groups, culminating in an armed conflict like a gritty Shane Meadows version of Lord of the Flies set near Ramsgate.

Learn a new language

As a multinational gathering with time on hour hands, you’ve a great opportunity to pick up a new language. By the time you get moving again you’ll be able to say ‘Do not go to Britain. Kent is a toilet,’ anywhere between Moscow and Lisbon and be understood.

Host Euro 2021

Someone’s bound to have a football, so why not beat UEFA to it and stage Euro 2021 in a farmer’s field? With thousands of drivers parked up from all over Europe, you’ll easily get full teams for all participating nations. TV audiences would be massive too as there’s bugger all on this Christmas except repeats.

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How to plan for Brexit without any information and nine days left

ARE you a tad concerned about Brexit happening in just nine days’ time? Surely the government has it all in hand. But just in case: 

Grow fresh produce fast

Apparently fruit and vegetables don’t grow immediately, but with no other options it’s worth a shot. Plant potatoes, tomato seeds and apple cores planted today, give them Baby Bio every five minutes and play them Nigel Farage speeches. If they haven’t grown by the 31st, burn one as an example.

Brexit-proof your career

The government has no idea which industries will be most decimated by Brexit, so rejig your CV for the sort of job there’s always a need for eg gravedigger, cobbler, alcohol bootlegger or prostitute.

Invest in a crystal ball

Government being a little opaque? Simply scry the future with a good-quality crystal ball. Staring into a glass globe hoping ‘the mists will clear’ is more detail than you’ll get otherwise. Alternatively, take peyote and hope a spirit guide fills you in on export tariffs.

Stockpile ‘food’

With Christmas, Covid and Brexit, there soon won’t be anything to stockpile, but there is one ‘miracle food’ that’s great for times of starvation: leather. Get yourself down to the nearest shoe shop and stock up. Kids’ sizes if you’re on a diet.

Ask a Brexiter

All Brexiters knew exactly what they were voting for, with many frequently using technical terms such as ‘Canada plus plus’ or ‘European Economic Area’. These international trade experts can often be consulted as early as 8am in their network of regional offices, known as ‘Spoons’.

Make a sturdy spear

We’re not melodramatically suggesting you’ll have to fight your neighbours, just that a spear makes it a lot easier to hunt wild game. A Yorkshire terrier can give you a nasty nip but there’s a fair bit of meat on them.