The six types of dickhead you don't have to meet this Christmas

NOW Boris Johnson has proudly cancelled Christmas, most of the country will be trapped in their homes and unable to meet the following arseholes: 

Lower middle-class 60-something Tories

Your neighbours Gerald and Andrea appear harmless but would vote for Mussolini if they could. Every opinion they have is stridently right-wing and boringly familiar, so you can simulate this by reading the Daily Express and wishing you weren’t.

Teenager on phone throughout

On a videocall when you arrive and when you leave four hours later with no break inbetween. Pops in and out to sneer at the old folk, even if you’re 27, while harassing parents for food, batteries and top-up data. Has 130,000 followers on TikTok.

The most boring man in the world

This irredeemable bastard would force you to partake in the most boring conversation you’ve ever had. Topics include his job at a plastic extrusion moulding firm; a place in Sardinia where he and his wife go on holiday every f**king year; the challenges facing his middle-management son at the call centre.

Hot neighbour with a repellent personality

Always looks vaguely promising until you get chatting to the only attractive person at the gathering. Then Charlotte or Steve or whoever spends 30 minutes obsessively telling a complete stranger why their sister is a ‘toxic bitch’ or ‘I’m not saying who but they should stick to their own countries’.

Gobshite with a business idea

Usually male, this bright spark bang on about his flakey business idea, a ‘virtual restaurant for pets’. The knackered old Volvo parked outside suggests he is not very successful and you should hide in the toilet with a bottle of wine rather than invest.

Couple incapable of talking about anything except their kids

Whether you’ve got kids or not, nobody cares about other people’s. Not about their GCSEs, teachers, sporting activities, archery lessons, their doctor’s unreasonable sceptisicm about their allergies which make them shit at maths, none of it. If Covid’s saved you from this it can’t be all bad.

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Ethical crackers 'a load of wank'

MODERN crackers that do not even contain a magic fish or plastic jumping frog are just wank, everyone has agreed.

Tom Logan still has a joyless half-pack of buff crackers left over from last year and would rather have big gold shiny ones with glitter on.

He said: “First you have to make them yourself. I got the wife to do it because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise.

“They bang, so presumably gunpowder’s eco-friendly, but they’re falling apart before you pull them and the paper hat’s not a crown, because that’s elitist.

“And it’s just toys inside as usual, but not plastic. I guess the earth isn’t running out of wood, but is a wooden reindeer so much more ethical than a fortune-telling fish?

“The joke was the thing that really ruined my whole Christmas. And this year too. ‘What did the plutocrats sailing the ship of capitalism shout when they saw the end of their global warming genocide approaching?’

“The punchline was, I’m ashamed to say, ‘Thunberg, dead ahead.’”