Five reasons you're not getting laid

NOT getting any sex? You’re probably sad and unshaggable due to one of these reasons:

You have dreadful dress sense

You might think your Superdry leather jacket paired with a natty little pork pie hat represents the height of sexy fashion, but you’re wrong. You look like a typical tragic bloke having a midlife crisis. Even grown men wearing full football strips look less desperate than you do.

You’ve got an irritating personality

You’re not bad-looking on the face of it, until you open your mouth and start talking bollocks. You still think your take on Brexit is fascinating, and are convinced that your foul-mouthed jokes are edgy rather than awful. It’s a wonder your own tosspot nature doesn’t put you off having a wank.

You’re aiming too high

You’ve got impossibly high self-worth and no man who isn’t rich, well-dressed and bearing more than a passing resemblance to Ryan Gosling is getting anywhere near the inside of your knickers. Unfortunately, your stupidly high standards disbar 99 per cent of the population and you need to wake up to the fact that being chatted up on Friday night at the local Wetherspoons is more your level.

You’re in a long-term relationship

When you met you shagged like horny rabbits, but that was eight years ago and the flames of passion have long since fizzled out. However, you’ve got a steady life partner so, while you aren’t getting any hot sex, at least you can console yourself  with the fact that you’ll never have to worry about paying the mortgage or sit tearfully night after night eating Tesco frozen carbonaras for one.

You’re just too f**king ugly

You have a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. That’s why you aren’t getting any, plain and simple. The trick is to find someone at least as bad-looking as you are because you’ll both be so desperate that the shagging will be incredible. Lo and behold, your sex problems are over.

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A hamper and champagne flutes: the competitive items to bring to your middle class picnic

ARE you an obnoxious middle class prick keen to be superior to your friends? Then take these to their picnic:

Proper deck chairs

While everyone else slums it on blankets on the ground, you’ve brought old-fashioned deck chairs that take ages to put up, allowing you to make a big song and dance about how wonderfully vintage they are. They’re also f**king uncomfortable, but you aren’t going to mention that.

A hamper

Your friends have turned up with clingfilmed sandwiches, crisps and a pack of Tesco miniature scotch eggs. This gives you a great opportunity to lord it over them by swanning up with a giant picnic basket stuffed with treats from Waitrose that you’ve just blown £60 on. You only use the stupid wicker thing once a year, so you’re going to milk it for all it’s worth.

A wine cooler

‘Just because it’s a picnic, we don’t need to be uncivilised,’ you say loftily as you unpack a wine cooler and proceed to fill it with ice from your cool box. After ten minutes in the sun you’re left with a tin bucket full of warm water and dead wasps, but as least you got that special moment of feeling like a smug prick as you slid your bottle of sauvignon blanc into it earlier.

Champagne flutes

You’ve severely misjudged the vibe of this picnic and imagined some kind of royal garden party. Instead, your friends were basically inviting you to have some cans of cheap continental lager in the local park. Console yourself that most passers-by won’t be able to tell that it’s warm Stella you’re sipping in your pretentious flutes.

Real cutlery and plates

The majority of people at the picnic are using it as an excuse to get pissed during the day in a park, and the addition of food allows them to feel like they aren’t borderline alcoholics. They’ll make do with a burnt sausage on a napkin while you’re fannying around with knives, forks and china, and they won’t have a load of stuff to cart home and wash up afterwards.