NOT getting any sex? You’re probably sad and unshaggable due to one of these reasons:
You have dreadful dress sense
You might think your Superdry leather jacket paired with a natty little pork pie hat represents the height of sexy fashion, but you’re wrong. You look like a typical tragic bloke having a midlife crisis. Even grown men wearing full football strips look less desperate than you do.
You’ve got an irritating personality
You’re not bad-looking on the face of it, until you open your mouth and start talking bollocks. You still think your take on Brexit is fascinating, and are convinced that your foul-mouthed jokes are edgy rather than awful. It’s a wonder your own tosspot nature doesn’t put you off having a wank.
You’re aiming too high
You’ve got impossibly high self-worth and no man who isn’t rich, well-dressed and bearing more than a passing resemblance to Ryan Gosling is getting anywhere near the inside of your knickers. Unfortunately, your stupidly high standards disbar 99 per cent of the population and you need to wake up to the fact that being chatted up on Friday night at the local Wetherspoons is more your level.
You’re in a long-term relationship
When you met you shagged like horny rabbits, but that was eight years ago and the flames of passion have long since fizzled out. However, you’ve got a steady life partner so, while you aren’t getting any hot sex, at least you can console yourself with the fact that you’ll never have to worry about paying the mortgage or sit tearfully night after night eating Tesco frozen carbonaras for one.
You’re just too f**king ugly
You have a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. That’s why you aren’t getting any, plain and simple. The trick is to find someone at least as bad-looking as you are because you’ll both be so desperate that the shagging will be incredible. Lo and behold, your sex problems are over.