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Five sex positions that mean your relationship is dead

THE relationship is deceased even if the bedroom lurches on like a drooling zombie hungry for flesh. If you’re doing these end it, or at least cheat: 

Bi-annual missionary

There’s nothing wrong with missionary. A bit vanilla, perhaps, but classic for a reason, the ‘GoldenEye is the best Bond film’ of sex. If it becomes your only position, done begrudgingly twice a year, after a few drinks, in the dark while thinking of other people, then it’s a problem. Suggest opening the relationship?

‘He’s popped out’ handjob

Hand relief from your other half might seem like a throwback to early sexual experiences, but it still feels good. Hand relief from yourself while pretending it’s your other half? Feels like something of a sexual cul-de-sac. It might be time to admit, while overwhelmed by the shame of the clean-up operation, this isn’t working.

Scrolling-on-phone doggy

When both in the moment, frantically rutting like dogs isn’t as degrading as it sounds. It’s only cause for worry if both of you think ‘well, he-she isn’t paying close attention, I’ll just check my notifications’. Hands should be used for boob/arse grabbing, or spanking if she’s into that. Your phone will still be there when you’re finished six-and-a-half minutes later.

Cowgirl with someone else

Cowgirl is fun and adventurous, but doing it in a Holiday Inn with someone who isn’t your partner is a massive red flag. You likely booked your room last minute, missing out on online price reductions, and are so caught up in the moment you’ll have a lager from the extortionate mini-bar. Oh, and there’s the physical, emotional betrayal yadda yadda.

Pornhub humping

Not humping in the style of porn stars on adult websites, but the much more literal act of trying to shag your laptop or home PC with the Pornhub page loaded. Your partner would rightly dump you on the spot if they caught you doing this, while also realising why you haven’t initiated since your 2022 holiday to Corfu.

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Not putting a divider on the conveyor belt at Tesco: the next nine tiny crimes Burnham is focusing his government on

AFTER subscription renewals and fake sales, Andy Burnham has outlined the next nine minor rip-offs his government is directing its efforts to stopping: 

Failing to place a divider on a supermarket conveyor belt

Leaving the divider on the side is an attempt to con the next person alone into paying for your shopping that ensnares dozens every decade. Primary legislation is already being drafted.

Those car parks where you didn’t notice it was free on Sundays

Nothing irks Britain more than paying for two hours’ parking, getting the ticket and realising you’ve paid to park from 8am-10am Monday because it’s free on Sunday. If we can fix this, we can fix the country.

Pubs requesting a tip when you pay by card

Why should anyone feel guilted into giving a barman a 10 to 40 per cent tip for pouring two two lagers? Is this not the very basis of his job? And who trusts him not to press ‘40 per cent’ himself when you’re already pissed?

Amazon Prime listing films you have to pay for alongside free films

How many times has decent, hard-working Britain cried ‘Great, it’s on Amazon’ without noticing the tell-tale yellow icon in the lower right meaning it will cost £5.99 to buy? No wonder Reform are high in the polls.

Those card machines that charge £1.50 for a withdrawal

Less of an issue now everything’s cashless, but they still lurk at the back of convenience shops, ready to fleece those unfortunates who suddenly need money for an unexpected late-night high-value cash-only transaction. And are the very backbone of Britain.

Toilet attendants in nightclubs

Not necessary, as demonstrated by most toilets not employing them. Nonetheless users of the facilities feel guilted into dropping a few coins into their plate, then wake up in the morning feeling irritated and blame the health secretary.

Some pairs of 34-waist jeans being decidedly tighter than other pairs of 34-waist jeans

There is no standard sizing in this country, so tens of thousands have bought jeans which fit badly and still lurk in the wardrobe, engendering resentment. Resentment which is then expressed at the polls.

Cinema snacks

There is no earthly way popcorn and a watery Pepsi should cost that much. Ordinary Britons are forced to smuggle in supermarket snacks, and once they become lawbreakers it’s hard to come back. Shoplifting will inevitably follow.

Having to pay £14.99 to watch the Tommy Fury-Eddie Hall fight just to find out Molly-Mae had named her newborn baby Midas

Unacceptable, and directly responsible for the rise of the far-right. Ban will lead the next King’s Speech.

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