Got some sexual fantasies to tick off your bucket list? These should never become a reality because they’d be an excruciating let down:
Thanks to your poor flirting skills you’ll find yourself unable to get even the most erotic of scenarios off the starting blocks. Oh, you’re an office junior who’s willing to do anything to get ahead? Well, why don’t you put in some extra hours during the evening and show some initiative once in a while?
Banging the pizza delivery guy
Quite how stressed dudes wearing dorky uniforms and driving mopeds became sex objects is anyone’s guess. And given their busy schedule they’d only be free to bump uglies for a couple of minutes max. Just have a wank then pick up a Dr. Oetker, it’s much cheaper.
Doing it outdoors
The thrill of possibly getting caught will quickly be replaced by the panic of actually getting caught then shuffling away from the police with your trousers round your ankles. Plus you don’t live anywhere scenic enough for this to be as erotic as your fantasies, so you’ll have to make do with a speedy knee-trembler round the back of Morrisons.
Back in the day this was a respectably hardcore kink. However, thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey it’s now as commercial and toothless as post-punk pop rock. If you ever go through with it expect your partner to delicately tap your bum with a spanking paddle then lovingly ask if you just said your safe word.
These will not be the bacchanalian carnivals of debauchery your subconscious has convinced you they will be. Instead you’ll realise how low you rank on the sexual marketplace as you stand to the side and watch hot people have at it with pneumatic enthusiasm. It could be a good time to rearrange your energy supplier though, EDF is rinsing you.