Five sickening types of shag loved-up couples have in the honeymoon period

COUPLES in the honeymoon period are sickeningly happy. But what’s more disgusting is how they physically express their feelings.

Tentative first shag

About as awkward as a baby deer trying to stand up for the first time. The only verbal communication between the trembling fumbling will be ‘Are you okay?’ and ‘Is that good?’. Usually lasts for seven underwhelming minutes but both parties will lie that it’s the best, most meaningful sex they’ve ever had. Typically involves four hours of post-coital eye contact and pillow talk.

Can’t-believe-we’re-doing-it-again second shag

So nobody ghosted each other and they’re up for round two? Wow. That’s practically unheard of in this day and age. Cue a second shag that’s fuelled by equal parts disbelief and lust. The likelihood of a third shag is still uncertain, so both people will have at it with delirious abandon until he needs to slink off to the bathroom to bin his condom.

Confident third, fourth, fifth, etc. shag

Okay. At this point shagging is somewhat familiar but still a novelty. That won’t last long as honeymoon period couples like to embark on marathon boning sessions which explore every cranny and contortion of the human body. If a friend of yours has mysteriously vanished for a month, this is what they’ve been up to.

Weird kinky shag

The shags before this were a mere preamble. Now each partner can bring up what they wanted to do from the very beginning, which typically involves lots of stuff ordered from the internet and putting things up each other’s bums. Kinks will be indulged out of politeness and the hope that it leads to sex that doesn’t involve a safe word in the future.

Tearful break-up shag

One partner’s debauched sexual fantasy was a bit too spicy for the other’s liking, meaning they’ve had to invent an unrelated reason to dump them. But not before they get down to a mournful break-up shag lubed by tears. This will shortly be followed by drunken-hooking-back-up shags, I-miss-you shags and let’s-give-this-another-go shags, until she finds someone better.

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Cocaine 'too hard to do'

COCAINE is not worth it because it is simply too hard to do, recreational drug users have confirmed.

Unlike other drugs, which come in smokable or swallowable forms, cocaine must be ingested nasally which is not easily or pleasantly accomplished outside laboratory or dealer’s kitchen settings.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s not really worth the hassle, is it?

“Very obviously going to the toilets all night, chopping out a line of expensive powder on a filthy cistern, snorting it through a rolled-up tenner and then doing it again 20 minutes later? Come on.

“Arguably spliffs require just as much prep – tobacco, papers, roach, a Pentangle album on vinyl to roll it on – but they can be pre-prepared and anyway stoners don’t go out much.

“But cocaine adds an exacting logistical problem to an evening which only increases the more f**ked up on cocaine you are. The corner-of-a-credit-card thing takes ages to get good at and spilling this shit costs. Face it. It’s never going to take off.”

The findings are to be used in a new government anti-drugs campaign with the slogan ‘Cocaine: save yourself the arseache’.