Five signs a woman is waiting for you to lean in and kiss her, unless it's the exact opposite

ON a date with a woman? Not sure if you should go in for a kiss? Look out for these signs which may or may not be an invitation.

She bats her eyelashes

A sultry flutter of a woman’s eyelids can mean one of two things. Either she wants to make lip-to-lip contact with your face, or a piece of grit has flown into her eye and she doesn’t want to rub it for fear of smudging her makeup. You can risk your luck by leaning in, or you can spoil your chances by asking her if she’s feeling alright. Your call.

She touches your arm

Has a woman initiated physical contact by touching your arm? You could be in there. Or she could be trying to move you out of the way because you’re standing in front of the bar. Be sure to read your surroundings, but if you’re sitting across from her at a candlelit dinner you should be okay. Or she might be brushing some lint from your jumper. Who knows?

She makes intense eye contact

If you’ve found yourself locking eyes with the woman you’re dating, this could be her subtle hint that she wants you to kiss her. Women are mysterious creatures though, so she might just be politely looking at you while you talk about yourself. Behind her rapt expression could be a brain wearily wishing you’d shut the f**k up.

She bites her lip

A sign of yearning lust for your tender kiss, surely? Not so fast. Maybe she’s just trying to scratch her bottom lip? Or perhaps this is a coded signal you’re not aware of that means ‘I am repulsed by you’? Assume the latter for everyone’s well-being then run home in tears.

She says ‘Shut up and kiss me’

Tired of waiting and overcome with desire, the woman has now pinned you against the wall and demanded you kiss her. Let’s pause for a second. Why on earth would a woman want to kiss you? You aren’t rich and you don’t work out. She probably wants to mug you while you make out, so duck under her arms and get out of there. Better luck next time, sweetheart.

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Couple renewing vows can f**k off with gift list

ATTENDEES at a vow renewal service say the couple are taking the piss if they expect more presents.

Loved ones of James and Lauren Bates say they are happy the pair want to reaffirm their commitment to each other but they will not be giving them any more free shit.

Friend Emma Bradford said: “I already spunked a hundred quid on a fancy food processor for them at their actual wedding five years ago. Are they going to try and pull this every time they want to revamp their kitchen?

“They only got me a £20 gift card for my wedding and now they’re expecting me to shell out for some crystal tumblers because they’re trying to pretend they haven’t just been through a very rocky patch. I feel like I’m being scammed.

“It’s great that they’ve managed to overcome the challenge of James getting a handjob from a colleague while he was at a conference but it doesn’t mean I’m going to shower them with presents.”

During her speech at the reception, Lauren Bates said: “We’re really glad so many special people were able to join us today to celebrate our love for one another. However, anyone who ignored the gift list will be barred from our ten-year vow renewal.”