Ten-year-old told he'll get over this whole 'save the planet' phase

A TEN-YEAR-OLD eco-warrior has been told that his concern for the environment is a passing fancy he will grow out of.

Joshua Hudson’s parents have explained that, while well-meaning, his desire to save the planet will eventually give way to the demands of adult life such as being able to drive a car and jetting off on holiday twice a year.

His mum Emma said: “I get it. I used to be heavily into New Kids On The Block when I was Josh’s age but now I realise they were absolutely ridiculous. It’s the same thing.

“By the time he’s in his teens though he’ll discover new things that’ll capture his attention like girls and booze, and all this nonsense about melting glaciers and rising sea levels will become a distant memory.”

Dad Martin added: “The sooner the better. That little shit’s acting like eating a vegan sausage roll from Greggs makes him Greta f**king Thunberg.

“You know what has a massive carbon footprint? Children. But funnily enough he seems to ignore that fact when giving me a condescending lecture about why I should be using a bamboo toothbrush.”

Joshua said: “I wish I could grow out of it, but mum and dad will have long since destroyed the planet and we’ll all be dead by then.”

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We never fight and we still have sex: lies couples tell

WANT people to think your relationship is completely perfect and successful? Try telling some of these popular lies.

We never fight

You act like you’re still in the honeymoon period, even though you’ve been together for 12 annoying years, and claim that a cross word has never been said between you. The truth is that one of you always loses their shit when the other puts a spoon in the ‘wrong’ part of the dishwasher and all that’s keeping you together is the expense of a divorce.

You still have sex

You claim that, even after all these years, you’re still enthusiastically shagging the one person in the world you’ve pledged to shag for the rest of your life. The truth is, however, that the last time you willingly saw each other’s genitals was towards the end of the last lockdown. At least you’ve rediscovered the wonders of wanking.

You’re best friends

Most best friends don’t spend their time arguing about whether buying such a big house was f**king stupid or if the cost of the MOT should come out of the joint account when only one of you uses the car. All your other actual friends should be livid that you’re even comparing them to your bellend of a husband.

You never fancy anyone else

You claim that you only have eyes for your one true love, but mostly as a way to cope with your rampant insecurity that they might stray. The truth is you fantasise about everyone from your dentist to the computerised woman who does the announcements on the train, and you’d definitely cheat if you knew you could get away with it.

You maintain a sense of mystery

You tell people that you can’t imagine a day where your partner stops surprising you. And it’s true. They’re constantly finding new and inventive ways to test your patience. Whether it’s wearing the same boxers four days in a row because it saves on washing or performatively farting, they keep you guessing how much more they can annoy you.