Five things you no longer care about if you're getting laid regularly

THE world is full of deeply concerning issues. However you’ll instantly forget about these if you’re satisfyingly shacking up three times a week.

Global warming

You’ve spent many hours fretting about the planet’s inescapable doom. But once you’re bumping uglies regularly the prospect of global immolation quickly becomes a distant memory. Greta Thunberg’s on it, you’ll remind yourself, before getting down to business. Hopefully not still thinking about Greta.

The cost of living

Your electricity bill is going to skyrocket over the next few months. You know what’s cheap though? Sex. And when you’re getting it that’s all that matters. All you need is the odd shower to not be physically disgusting and a few phone calls to arrange your shagging. So what if you have to light your home with candles and eat raw potatoes?

Your career

Facing another redundancy? Nothing to show for years of toil except for a handful of P45s? Plus you’re grossly underqualified in a highly competitive job market. Frequent shaggers couldn’t give a toss though, because they’re nailing the only 1-2-1 meeting that’s important, and they don’t even have to wear a suit.

Covid

Covid’s still here, even if we like to think the pandemic’s over. If you weren’t getting any then the thought of a new variant, being hooked up to a respirator or loved ones dying would terrify you, but you got your end away last night and you might again tomorrow. So all’s well in the world.

The unrelentingly grim war in Ukraine

It’s tragic and might result in us all getting nuked. But five minutes of sex – if you’re really good at it – is more interesting. Then when it’s over you can both hop on your phones and go ‘Oh dear, have you seen this?’ War – it’s horrific for the victims, but also a nice post-coital bonding moment for shaggers. Aw.

Moving house is too much hassle, and other crap reasons not to dump your partner

DISSATISFIED with your partner and vaguely thinking about breaking up with them? Here are some crap reasons to convince yourself to stay:

Moving house is a massive hassle

On the one hand, being free from the drudgery of your stale, loveless relationship would be great. On the other, you’d have to box up seven years of accumulated crap and find a new house to put it in. Avoiding the faff wins out over the escaping the joyless misery every time.

You’d have to make new friends

By now you’ve been going out for so long you don’t have separate friends, just a bunch of other couples who do everything together. If you broke up with your partner, they’d get the sympathy and therefore the friends, and you’ve long since lost the knack of making new ones.

Trying to meet someone else would be a pain in the arse

You met your partner the old-fashioned way: getting shitfaced in a pub, awkwardly hooking up after a bit, and staying with them until they became an overfamiliar drain on your happiness. But you don’t fancy the terror of online dating, so you may as well stay with this person you hate forever.

You’d have to look after your appearance

You’ve been in your current relationship for so long that your standards have completely slipped and you don’t give a shit. You don’t need to attract anyone new so you wear a pair of stained trackie bottoms to Tesco and don’t give it a second thought. If you started seeing someone else you’d have to try quite hard to not look like a disgusting slob all the time.

They’d get the dog

Your partner technically owns the dog, in that they had it before you met and pay all the vet bills, but you love that animal with every fibre of your being. You might as well stay with your partner until it dies, even if that might be another 10 miserable years.