THE world is full of deeply concerning issues. However you’ll instantly forget about these if you’re satisfyingly shacking up three times a week.
You’ve spent many hours fretting about the planet’s inescapable doom. But once you’re bumping uglies regularly the prospect of global immolation quickly becomes a distant memory. Greta Thunberg’s on it, you’ll remind yourself, before getting down to business. Hopefully not still thinking about Greta.
The cost of living
Your electricity bill is going up. Inflation remains high. You know what’s cheap though? Sex. And when you’re getting it that’s all that matters. All you need is the odd shower to not be physically disgusting and a few phone calls to arrange your shagging. So what if you have to light your home with candles and eat raw potatoes?
Facing another redundancy? Nothing to show for years of toil except for a handful of P45s? Plus you’re grossly underqualified in a highly competitive job market. Frequent shaggers couldn’t give a toss though, because they’re nailing the only 1-2-1 meeting that’s important, and they don’t even have to wear a suit.
Covid’s still here, even if we like to think the pandemic’s over. If you weren’t getting any then the thought of a new variant, being hooked up to a respirator or loved ones dying would terrify you, but you got your end away last night and you might again tomorrow. So all’s well in the world.
The unrelentingly grim news of war
It’s tragic and might result in us all getting nuked. But five minutes of sex – if you’re really good at it – is more interesting. Then when it’s over you can both hop on your phones and go ‘Oh dear, have you seen this?’ War – it’s horrific for the victims, but also a nice post-coital bonding moment for shaggers. Aw.