Sunday, 9th August 2020

Five things your partner's distant stare could mean

DOES your partner stare into the distance and say they’re fine, but in a worrying way? Here are five things that could be causing it. 


The most obvious explanation is they’re plotting to kill you because you ate the last of the Onken cherry yoghurt. Cunningly, they were going to shoot you during an NHS clapping session, but now it will have to be plan B – stir liquid mercury into your tea and claim “That’s just how Redbush tastes”.

An intense sexual fantasy 

In their mind they’re on a beach or in an idyllic field with the least-dishevelled person from their daily Zoom meeting. Basically they’re with anyone anywhere except you at home slobbing out in your food-stained dressing gown.

A secret double life

They are not a middle manager for a dreary software company but a covert MI5 operative, pining for high-testosterone action in the field. That data storage conference in Bradford was a cover story for them thwarting a Russian assassination attempt.

They’re pondering the great questions of life

Perhaps ‘Is there some deeper meaning to our fleeting existence?’. But to be honest they’re more likely to be musing on why that bee keeps flinging itself against the window or whether Deckard in Blade Runner was really a replicant.


They’ve remembered they left a chocolate bar in their desk drawer at work. How long does an Aero keep? Do the bubbles reduce its shelf life? How soon will lockdown end so they can go back to work and eat it, if they can remember the way to their office.