A day in the busy life of Boris Johnson

BEING prime minister is what we at Eton used to call an ‘awful fag’. Here’s what a typical day consists of for me, Boris Johnson, the greatest PM since Churchill.

9am: Roll over and press the snooze button just in time to miss Today on Radio 4. The news is bloody depressing these days. Best to give it a swerve, to use the rugger parlance.

10am: Put my pyjamas and other dirties in a bag outside the door. No idea how it works, but somehow they always come back clean. Been like that since I was six. Tea and toast.

11am: Walk in St James’ Park holding a cup of coffee. Plenty of time to think about this virus malarkey later.

12.30 – 1.30pm: Tuck! Best meal of the day. Seconds of spotted dick.

2pm: Bloody red boxes arrive. Heaven knows what I’m supposed to do with them. I’m making a red bus with mine. Something to do during lockdown, I suppose.

3pm: Phone won’t stop ringing. Hide in Downing Street’s big fridge for a couple of hours.

4pm: Bollocks! Cummings is in the soup! All hands on deck! Call emergency cabinet meeting: Operation Cover Dom’s Arse. 

5pm: Intensive rehearsals and script readings with key cabinet members. Frantically get to work on vague and unconvincing speech telling everyone to ‘move on’.

6pm: Disastrous press conference. Not my fault, obviously. The questions were too hard.

8pm: Get bollocked by Cummings on phone. Get the feeling I’m starting to go off this whole ‘being PM’ business a bit.

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Man washing car a disturbing number of times

A MAN’S neighbour has been washing his Ford Galaxy a frankly distressing amount of times, it has emerged.

When Tom Logan first saw Steve Malley cleaning his car at the start of lockdown he was impressed by him using the free time to get chores done, but now just finds it worrying. 

Logan said: “He’s out there at least four times a week, washing his already clean car. What’s he up to? Is he murdering people and washing away the evidence? 

“Or has he suffered a head injury so he’s stuck reliving every day over and over again, unable to remember anything? That’s really upsetting to think about.

“Or maybe he has no life and washes the car because he literally can’t think of anything else to do. That’s pretty sad too.

“It’s particularly distressing now it’s hot, because it’s like he’s in some sort of wet t-shirt contest that only he entered, and there are no winners, only one soggy loser.” 

Malley said: “There’s nothing like getting your car obsessively clean while listening to Craig David on Magic FM. Although I think I may have rubbed a hole in the bonnet.”