The new coronavirus rules for us and them explained

DESPITE the UK’s coronavirus rules changing next week, it seems likely that some people won’t have to stick to them. Here we explain the new two-tier system.

Family visits

Us: Two families will be allowed to visit but with no hugs or handshakes.

Them: If you’re a politician or spad, invite your entire posh family of 50 people to the family mansion and get ready to PAAARTAY! Hugs and kisses with your siblings Anastasia, ‘Boffo’ and Octavius are fine because you have good genes.


Us: Most will reopen but with so many plastic shields in place you’ll feel like you’re in a futuristic sci-fi prison.

Them: Just get Fortnum & Mason to deliver. 

Track and trace

Us: If alerted by NHS Track and Trace you will be compelled to isolate for 14 days.

Them: If your liberty is threatened, the traditional honorable approach of the ruling class is to do a runner, like Lord Lucan. Hotfoot it to a friend’s isolated cottage or just have an extra Caribbean holiday this year. When you’re later asked why you did this, say your phone was turned off. For three weeks.

Pubs and restaurants

Us: These will open but with irksome and ineffective social distancing measures in place.

Them: Not really a problem. The exclusive clubs you attend are quite spacious anyway, and it’s not as if you’re a regular at grimy proletarian hellholes like Pizza Express.

Getting your hair cut

Us: You can get your hair done, but since hairdressing makes social distancing virtually impossible you may as well cut out the middleman and go straight to A&E.

Them: Coronavirus is for the little people, so just get your hair cut as normal. If a hairdresser suggests you observe basic social distancing, get one of your mates to write a furious column about it in the Telegraph entitled ‘This hairdressing madness has got to stop’.

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Your guide to making eye contact during coronavirus

EYE contact is hard to get right at the best of times, but with people wearing masks it’s trickier than ever. Here’s how to not look creepy or mental.

When to avoid it

Most of the time. People are absolutely mad for a bit of eye contact at the moment, but the last thing you want is to accidentally start a conversation or, worse, a friendship. Keep your eyes down at all times unless you want people to actually say hello to you. Which you don’t, unless you’re a psychopath or a Northerner.

When to prolong it

If you think there’s a chance of romance or some sexual frisson going on, prolong that stare. It may come across as creepy but you’ve got to chance your arm sometimes. If you secretly fancy the woman on the checkout at Morrisons give her at least five seconds of eye contact that says, “I’ll be back for you when this is all over. And they have pasta back in stock.”

How long is too long?

If you’re one of those intense people who’s fine with eye contact, otherwise known as ‘nutters’, you may be tempted to look at someone for too long. If someone looks visibly scared, maybe look away occasionally. Practise not overdoing eye contact by looking into a mirror and checking you do not have the mad stare of Hitler.

When to shut your eyes and keep them closed

Whenever some weird relative like Auntie Carol is offering more unwarranted, witless opinions on anything to do with coronavirus, Brexit or foreigners. It’s rude, but looking at her while she speaks will just encourage her.