Friday, 3rd July 2020

The new coronavirus rules for us and them explained

DESPITE the UK’s coronavirus rules changing next week, it seems likely that some people won’t have to stick to them. Here we explain the new two-tier system.

Family visits

Us: Two families will be allowed to visit but with no hugs or handshakes.

Them: If you’re a politician or spad, invite your entire posh family of 50 people to the family mansion and get ready to PAAARTAY! Hugs and kisses with your siblings Anastasia, ‘Boffo’ and Octavius are fine because you have good genes.

Shops

Us: Most will reopen but with so many plastic shields in place you’ll feel like you’re in a futuristic sci-fi prison.

Them: Just get Fortnum & Mason to deliver. 

Track and trace

Us: If alerted by NHS Track and Trace you will be compelled to isolate for 14 days.

Them: If your liberty is threatened, the traditional honorable approach of the ruling class is to do a runner, like Lord Lucan. Hotfoot it to a friend’s isolated cottage or just have an extra Caribbean holiday this year. When you’re later asked why you did this, say your phone was turned off. For three weeks.

Pubs and restaurants

Us: These will open but with irksome and ineffective social distancing measures in place.

Them: Not really a problem. The exclusive clubs you attend are quite spacious anyway, and it’s not as if you’re a regular at grimy proletarian hellholes like Pizza Express.

Getting your hair cut

Us: You can get your hair done, but since hairdressing makes social distancing virtually impossible you may as well cut out the middleman and go straight to A&E.

Them: Coronavirus is for the little people, so just get your hair cut as normal. If a hairdresser suggests you observe basic social distancing, get one of your mates to write a furious column about it in the Telegraph entitled ‘This hairdressing madness has got to stop’.