Five very specific ways women want men to be spontaneous

WOMEN love it when men are spontaneous, but only in extremely specific ways they approve of. Including these.

Going on adventures

Adventures are far and away the number one demand of women on dating apps. But what does this vague expectation mean? Does she want an impromptu game of bowling, to go diving for treasure in a shipwreck or to crash land in a remote forest and be forced to eat her own leg? You could ask, but that would rob the moment of spontaneity and piss her off. Just guess and hope for the best.

When ordering food

Eating the same meals day after day is boring. Women want some surprise and excitement when it comes to food. They crave a man who will whisk them off to a restaurant and order the most expensive cuisine on the menu without worrying about the price. But only a menu she has been studying online for a month and spent hours deliberating over. Otherwise they might choose the wrong thing.

Romantic gestures

Who doesn’t love to be showered with affection via an extravagant gesture? If you’re not doing it exactly how they want, the answer is: women. They’d love you to propose to them in public, yet will absolutely lose their shit and potentially dump you if you don’t do it in exactly the way they imagined in their minds but never actually shared with you. Good luck.

In the bedroom

Your familiar routine of pneumatic pistoning for nine and a half minutes might be enjoyable for you, but women secretly yearn for more. Don’t splash out on a blindfold and handcuffs just yet though. Try to read her subtle body language first, like how she wrestles your hand towards that place in her crotch you’ve never quite found.

During all of their spare time

Free-spirited, independent men are like catnip to women. But only if their spare time is spent doing things women find attractive like exercising or networking to climb the career ladder. Unwinding by going out for an unplanned drink with friends or playing video games is off the table, even though it doesn’t impact their life in any way.

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'There are no bad dogs only bad owners' and other lies people tell about their pets

PEOPLE get obsessed with their pets, to the point that they require others to believe the bullshit they’ve made up about them. Like this:

There are no bad dogs only bad owners

There may be some truth in this, but it’s usually said by the most judgemental dog owner in the park who conveniently hasn’t noticed that their cockerpoo Beau is growling at a crying toddler clutching an ice cream. ‘He’s just being friendly!’ they defensively exclaim when a furious parent eventually manages to attract their attention.

Horses are very emotionally intuitive

Are they? Having huge brown eyes with lovely long lashes doesn’t mean a horse silently understands your tragic heartbreak, it means they’ve evolved monocular vision to enable them to spot predators. And if they’re so intuitive and clever, why do they bolt three miles just because they’ve seen an umbrella?

He’s just like his dad

Some owners like to believe their pets are actually their babies, and even the fact that the pet is a guinea pig won’t convince them they don’t share genetic material. Having said that, Cookie’s ‘dad’ does have some eerie similarities to a rodent in that he spends all day looking vacant and chewing things.

Don’t worry, she’s only playing

Having spent two grand on a Maine Coon cat, your friend inevitably wants to show it off. However, when you get upset because it stalks you around the living room before giving you a nasty bite on the hand, they are quick to leap to its defence. It might be playing, but it’s still a huge, vicious bastard.

‘Dogs looking like their owners’ is a myth

Strangely, this is the one trope that pet owners go out of their way to discredit. Usually the ones who own a snorting, dribbling little pug with a face like a dropped pancake.