Bride's dream wedding day ruined when she realises she's marrying a dick

A WOMAN’S wedding day was ruined after she realised that the man she was marrying is an absolute bellend.

Lauren Hewitt, 34, had spent the previous 12 months so focused on preparing the perfect wedding day that she neglected to notice her fiancé Oliver O’Connor was an obnoxious twat.

Hewitt said: “Waiting to walk down the aisle, I knew I’d planned everything down to a tee. But as I approached Oliver at the altar I realised I’d spent longer thinking about table centrepieces than I had my choice of life partner.

“The fact that he was visibly hungover was bad enough, but when he muttered ‘Right, let’s get this over with’ my heart sank. I now realise that when my friends told me he was a useless bastard it wasn’t just because they were jealous of my inventive ‘glitter dreams’ wedding theme.”

After sneaking out for a cigarette during his father-in-law’s speech, O’Connor said: “I’ve asked the DJ to change our first dance from that sad Leonard Cohen shit that Lauren’s late mother loved. Her face is going to be an absolute picture when Mambo No. 5 comes on instead.”

Hewitt later added: “I’m going to salvage the day by getting lashed with friends, before looking into annulment in the morning.”

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S Club Allstars, and other acts only still going to pay off the mortgage

EVERYONE has to pay the bills, even ex-celebrities. Here are some acts who are only still in it to make ends meet.


Rednex are a Swedish band that made an unlikely success of mixing American country music with Eurodance, which says more about the weirdness of the 90s than the quality of their music. They are still on the road, belting out ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ to nostalgic 40-year-olds and, given there are now ten members of the band, presumably making a pittance.

S Club Allstars

Not so much a pop group as a financial aid programme for struggling former members of S Club 7 and S Club Juniors. If Paul Cattermole needs to pay off the loan for his conservatory extension, he’ll do a stint. If Jo O’Meara wants some lip fillers, she’ll join in a club appearance. It’s basically a payday loans company that does poor quality renditions of ‘S Club Party’.

The Cheeky Girls

The career trajectory of these twins reads like a fever dream, including a baffling appearance on Popstars, inexplicable chart success, shagging Lembit Opik and ending up working in a car dealership. They recently released a dreadful comeback single, which just went to show that their talents lie in flogging Hyundais rather than making music.


The name makes them sound like a 90s gay chatline but this band is actually the project of two of the most forgettable members of Boyzone and Westlife, Keith Duffy and Brian McFadden. Wearing leather jackets and sporting long hair, they look exactly like what they are: a mid-life crisis come to life.


When they were a musical act, the only talents Jedward had were being identical and having tall hair. However, they have recently reinvented themselves as woke, outspoken Twitter personalities and have more than half a million followers, which is presumably a lot more people than ever bought one of their records.