'Man caves' and other male nonsense women wouldn't get away with

MEN are a basic species who waste their lives on pointless guff. Here are some of their futile pursuits which women would not get away with:

Weekend rounds of golf

They call it a ‘sport’ but actually it’s a very slow five-hour dawdle around a park, occasionally failing to hit a ball into a hole. Of course it’s important to support your partner in having interests outside the relationship, but does it have to fall on the same day the kids are most likely to be going to yet another hideous soft play party? Apparently so.

Man caves

Have you ever heard anything more embarrassingly infantile than the phrase ‘man cave’? While the rest of the family manage to share the house like normal people, the man-baby you have foolishly chosen to spend your life with needs his own special room to drink craft ale, play video games and masturbate. What a prick.

Obsessing over fantasy football

When men are deep in thought, they aren’t contemplating life’s great mysteries or even lusting after other women. No, they’re considering whether it’s worth buying Marcus Rashford for their fantasy football team. Yes, women play it too, but they’ll make that decision in three seconds flat between doing the online food shop and ordering a new hose for the washing machine, rather than pondering it for several hours.

Being weird about the barbecue

While your partner is able to cook, he shows very little enthusiasm for it until the barbecue comes out. Then he starts acting like an even more annoying version of Gordon Ramsay and spends hours aggressively slapping meat around on it while ploughing through as many bottles of off-brand stubby beers as he can. Next time you’re just going to cook everything in the oven, and save yourself the tedium.

Watching every single superhero film several times

Having a look at the listings and deciding to see Black Panther: Wakanda Forever is one thing, spending the six months preceding the release date breathlessly swapping spoilers about it on Reddit is quite another. If your man is wasting his one precious life watching shit like Captain Marvel more than once, it’s time to rethink your choices.

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How to ruin other people's attempts to get healthy

NEW Year is the time when tedious bastards decide they want to improve themselves. Here’s how to f**k it up for them.

Organise a party

Any attempts at detoxing are easily sabotaged by throwing a party in the middle of January. Everyone will be bored stupid with being good so even the merest hint of a drink or a smorgasbord of delicious cheeses will have them off the wagon in no time. And they won’t bother getting back on it as the month will be almost over anyway.

Tempt them with bacon

After they’ve ruined their attempt at Dry January, console them when they’re hungover the next day by cooking up a tasty bacon sandwich. They will weakly try to resist temptation as they’re doing Veganuary too, but, with the sinister charm of a drug dealer, you tell them that just one won’t hurt. Before they know it, it’s 4pm and they’ve just eaten a massive, delicious roast too.

Question their need to exercise

It’s boring if your friend says they need to get up to do Couch to 5K in the morning when you want them to get hammered with you at the pub, so make them doubt whether they should to be exercising at all. Tell them a made-up tale about your cousin’s girlfriend’s mate’s uncle who dropped down dead of a heart attack while jogging, and get another pint in.

Undermine their goals

Your only goal is to destroy other people’s goals. So when a friend tells you they’ve broken their best time while cycling, tell them about another friend who has already smashed that and more. Do it enough times and they’ll swap their exercise regime for sitting on the sofa watching The Real Housewives of Cheshire with you. As they should.

Beat them at their own game

Once you have fully demoralised your friend and they’ve thrown their trainers in the bin, embark on your own fitness journey. ‘Sorry, I can’t come shopping, I’m doing the Park Run this morning’ you’ll text them as you tie up your own running shoes. The high you get from f**king them over will be almost as good as a dab of MDMA and six pints of lager. Almost.