I am Avatar 2, and I am your only entertainment option this weekend

LET’S not f**k about. There are no nightclubs open. The bars are empty. Tired old pantomimes dominate theatres. It’s just you and me now.`

Other films? There are no other films. I’m on in ten screens of your 12-screen multiplex. You don’t want to know what’s on the others, but it was contractually obliged.

Telly? You didn’t fall for that ‘Golden Age of Television’ shite, surely? They all banged their big shows out last week, even Netflix. It’s a trickle of sewage from now until February.

Friends? Family? You’re sick of the lot of them. And forget the pub. Nobody’s there. Even cool bars on a Saturday night are like a Tuesday morning in Wetherspoons. You don’t like to think of yourself among those kind of people.

No, it’s just you and me now. It doesn’t matter that you can’t remember anything about my first instalment. In fact it might help. It doesn’t matter that 3D’s over or my reviews are shit.

I’m here and waiting, all three hours and six minutes of me, with my $1.5 billion worldwide takings. Don’t you want to know why? Aren’t you intrigued?

Put on the glasses and marvel at my spectacle. Drink in the tropical sunshine and the clear blue oceans. Forget that it’s January and you’ve paid £30 to see a film you weren’t bothered about. None of that matters.

Come. Slake your bottomless boredom. Make me the most successful film of all time. I am Avatar: The Way of Water, and I am all there is left.

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Six fun phrases you can never use in a relationship

YOU’RE supposed to be able to say anything to your partner, so how come they always lose their shit when you say things like these? Boyfriend Jack Browne puzzles over this conundrum.

Laying pipe

You’ve had the perfect date night together – frozen pizza while watching Braveheart, all washed down with a bottle of Buckfast. And yet when you innocently ask whether you’ve been ‘granted planning permission to lay some serious pipe’ suddenly that’s ‘disgusting’? Women are strange.

Wank bank

Your partner’s always badgering you to sit down and discuss your precarious financial situation. Well, the only bank you’re interested in making a withdrawal from is the wank bank! That witticism would go down a storm at the pub, but it only ever leads to your partner tearing up. Baffling.


How can such a joyous-sounding word result in you sleeping on the couch again? For something that sounds like it’s an avant-garde bass-playing technique, it certainly causes a massive fuss whenever you suggest it. They should decide whether they want you to stop being such a selfish lover or not. You can’t win with some people.

Ball and chain

What partner doesn’t love being referred to as a cumbersome metal orb that you’re permanently shackled to? It’s a term of endearment really. Honestly, it wasn’t that long ago – the 1970s – when they would’ve shrugged it off as amusing ‘banter’. But apparently the implication that you’re ruining someone’s life isn’t flattering nowadays. Bizarre.

Toss your salad

Despite constantly asking to spice things up in the bedroom, as soon as you suggest tossing their salad, they go berserk. So what if you said it in front of their parents – their dad was only angry because he thought his daughter might be going vegan. It would have been far worse if you’d said ‘anilingus’. Although he might have thought you were planning a weekend in Dublin.


As soon as you suggest engaging in a harmless spot of motorboating suddenly you’re lectured about ‘basic human dignity’, ‘self-respect’, and ‘sexual objectification’. If it was so bad, why would it have such a fun-sounding name? Maybe they’re the one missing the point? Yes, that will be it.