'I'm just off for a crap' and other things you can't say out loud at work

DO you spend your working day wishing you could say what’s on your mind? Here are six completely true statements it’s best to keep to yourself.

‘I’m not your friend, Carol’ 

The only thing worse than arsehole colleagues are ones who think they’re your friend and give you a bottle of something shit for your birthday. You can’t admit you don’t want to talk to them, because you’ll probably be sharing a desk with them for the next 20 years. Also you’re not enough of a bastard to emotionally crush them. See how these losers exploit your kindly nature?

‘I’m just off for a crap’

Or to change my tampon. Or to sit in the cubicle and watch porn on my phone. For some reason you can’t be upfront and share these truths in the office, despite it giving your colleagues a useful insight into how long you’ll be in the toilet for. Saying that what you produce in the bog will be the most useful thing you’ve achieved all day is also not okay.

‘You’re all f**king morons’

Tempting as it is to let everyone know your low opinion of them, there’s an unwritten rule that you pretend the random collection of human beings you’ve been shut in a confined space with are not dimwits who make you want to beat your head on your desk. Let the truth out and the whole fabric of society – and perhaps the space-time continuum – would collapse.

‘How is this my life?’

When you were a kid, dreaming of being an astronaut or a unicorn or the world’s most fulfilled train driver, you never thought you’d end up like this. Trapped in a computer-filled cage where the only perks are the free pens and tea-making facilities. However to avoid demoralising yourself to the point of throwing yourself under the packed bus you get to work, keep your mouth shut and push through to Friday.

‘How the f**k can it only be 10.30?’

When you optimistically glance up at the clock for the 17th time this morning, only to discover that time is refusing to pass, it’s not okay to give a genuine howl of despair from your heart. No, if you want to be paid not-quite-enough-money-to-live-on, you must pretend to enjoy what you do. No one knows why, you just do.

‘I bloody love it here!’

Do you have no social life and a weird/creepy personality unconducive to friendships? You probably love the office for the human contact and hijinks like getting a free doughnut occasionally. But don’t say so, it’s just too weird. What next, announcing you like the rancid instant coffee? That you enjoy your commute? For everyone’s sanity, keep schtum.

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Phase One of the Prince Harry Cinematic Universe to kick off in June

PRINCE Harry’s life story will soon become a series of epic blockbusters and the basis of an expanded cinematic universe, it has been revealed.

Harry: Spare of Windsor will herald a new film franchise centred around the thrilling adventures of the Duke of Sussex as he fights the malevolent forces of his family and the UK media.

Hollywood insider Tom Booker said: “Audiences are getting bored of movies about superheroes and Norse gods. What they’re crying out for is a trilogy of films based on Harry’s memoir, each running well over three hours.

“We’ll have to use some artistic licence, obviously, so don’t be surprised when Harry kills 25 Taliban with his laser vision. If The Crown can play fast and loose with the truth, Hollywood can lower its high standards of historical accuracy just this once.

“So meet H, the ex-forces action hero fighting both bad guys and his personal demons as he battles his arch-nemesis known only as The Receding Man, who – spoiler warning – turns out to be his brother. 

“This is just the start of it. Harry’s cinematic universe will include films based on the rich lore of his personal history, a lot like Lord of the Rings. There are at least half a dozen prequels to be wrung out of his cocaine-fuelled teenage years and the time he shagged a cougar in a field.

“Of course the main attraction will be the Meghan Markle trilogy. It’ll essentially be Wonder Woman but with Beyonce in the lead role and a lot more daddy issues. So that’s something to look forward to.”