Five wanks better than entire relationships

LOVING relationships with human beings have their moments, but can they really hope to compete with these five stunning acts of self-abuse? 

Surprise opportunity wank

You love your partner. They’re beautiful, intelligent and funny. But do you think of them as fondly as you think of that occasion when they nipped out to get milk and you had an unexpected and welcome opportunity to rub one out? You’d trade them in instantly to experience that debauched rush again. That wank was the one that got away.

Working from home wank

What’s this? A 30-minute gap between meetings? There’s no way you can get any work done in that tiny window, but you could easily crank one out at least one. Even the thought of busting a nut on company time gets you close. Not even a happy 50-year marriage can beat a hand shandy you’re getting paid for.

It’s been a couple of days wank

Relationships are fine, you guess, but they’re oppressive. Your partner’s always about, demanding texts and an audience for his dull workplace dilemmas. Wanking doesn’t place demands on you. In fact, when you leave it a couple of days, it’s even better and never accuses you of not loving it anymore. You’d marry it if you could.

Holiday abroad wank

Remember that solo trip to Paris? A cute little Airbnb by the Seine, the masterpieces at the Louvre, then rounded the day off with some hand action in bed. That wank set the bar impossibly high not only for future partners but future wanks. It was the platonic ideal of masturbation. Richard Linklater could make a poignant movie about it.

Post break-up wank

Nobody looks forward to their first wank after being dumped, but it’s necessary; the onanistic equivalent of eating your vegetables. Five minutes and post-climax clarity brings you to the realisation you’re better off single, and your dream partner is your own busy digits. Though they don’t count as a plus-one at a wedding.

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Horny woke man worried his fantasies are problematic

A HORNY man committed to political equality and social justice is carefully vetting his wild sexual fantasies for problematic content, he has confirmed. 

Jack Browne was idly dreaming up erotic scenarios at his desk when he realised that many of the sexually arousing images and situations could see him cancelled online.

He said: “Hotel chambermaid’s a classic, right? Frilly little skirt? But is that exploitation of the working class? And am I whitewashing realities if it’s not an ethnic minority?

“I feel I have a duty to represent the marginalised in my fantasies so they feel seen, but honestly race is a minefield. Exploitation everywhere. Even when I fantasise full consent I can’t be sure it’s not coerced.

“And the one about being given a spongebath by two hot nurses making out is clearly unethical, given the pressure on the NHS. Plus their sexuality is not my spectacle, and it’s hard to sustain an erection when you keep visualising the thinkpiece in the Guardian.

“From now on I’m only imagining bland, vanilla sex with anonymous partners that doesn’t infringe on anyone’s human rights. And it’ll all be missionary.

“F**k, can you say missionary? Isn’t that white settler colonialism at its absolute worst?”