Selfish Brits ruining economy by being paid enough to live

RISHI Sunak has criticised self-centred British wage earners for receiving pay rises sufficient to feed, clothe and house themselves. 

The prime minister has asked how he is expected to manage an economy where, just for going to work, Britons have received pay rises that are still quite a bit lower than inflation.

He continued: “It’s self self self with you bastards. Who cares about Britain’s prospects for growth as long as you’re getting yours, eh?

“By now you should be living from value-brand meal to value-brand meal, wearing your father’s hand-me-down boot-cut jeans from 1998, selling off your furniture to foreigners. But instead you pricks are out there buying stuff.

“What’s wrong with you? What happened to the plan we agreed, where you get poorer and poorer every year while we cut public services to the bone? Can’t you see that’s the only route to tax cuts for wealth creators?

“A 7.8 per cent pay rise? And I suppose you ‘need it’ to ‘pay your mortgage’? What happened to getting evicted? What happened to going on the game? Where has this country’s resourcefulness gone?

“And now I’m going to have to take it all out on the public sector. Those poor nurses. You did this to them.”

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Eight celebrities you're definitely in with a chance with now they're older

IN their ravishing youth you had no chance, but now they’ve been ravaged by time you could get to at least second base with these: 

Kim Wilde

The NME reader’s Sam Fox, even gorgeous Kim cannot cheat the merciless, uncaring advance of time and the cold embrace of the grave, although you might not want to dwell on that while chatting her up. Even by 1993 she’d stooped to a relationship with Chris Evans, so she’s got no illusions.

Keanu Reeves

Point Break-era Keanu was unattainable, but he’s heading for 60. Forget cocaine and nubile bodies and appeal to his secret desire to take it easy these days. Make your first date a potter around a garden centre or a game of bowls. Ensure he doesn’t overdo it and put his back out lifting a bag of peat moss before you close the deal.

Michelle Pfeiffer

Looks remarkably good at 65, so if you bump into the Scarface moll in a bus queue try a chat-up line referencing her recent achievements, like ‘You looked alright in that Ant-Man one. Was it CGI?’ If that somehow fails to impress offer her a chunk of Kendal mint cake, which is crack-cocaine for pensioners.

Jason Orange

If your favourite member of Take That was Jason, you’re in luck as he’s 53, left the band a while back and is probably bitter, twisted and chucking empty cans of Spesh at the TV in his bedsit whenever Gary or Robbie are on. But going out with a former member of Take That will impress your mates, and that’s what relationships are all about.

Salma Hayek

You’ve had only the purest romantic feelings toward Salma since From Dusk Till Dawn. An unbelievable 27 years later she still looks exactly the same, there’s probably a contract with the Devil involved, and after sex she’ll consume your body and immortal soul leaving you dust in the wind. This doesn’t deter you.

Idris Elba

Remind 50-year-old Idris that Luther was a long time ago, his DJing career’s going nowhere and nobody watches Apple TV. As doubts creep into his mind about his longevity as a star, strike. Keep negging him with comments like ‘Shame you missed your Bond moment’ to maintain your unhealthy, manipulative love.

Belinda Stewart-Wilson

Surely responsible for around 20 per cent of The Inbetweeners’ viewing figures, Will’s fit mum takes the piss of her FHM lingerie shoot, ignoring that men solemnly consider it a vital contribution to culture, history and art.

Morten Harket

A-ha’s lead singer is almost 64, which should count in your favour, but looks about 20 years younger which cancels it out again. Also he’s still touring, so expect strong competition from nostalgic MILFs off their heads on HRT. But if Morten remains out of your league, Nathan from Brother Beyond’s open to offers.