Five ways good friends secretly hate each other

8th July 2022

GOOD friendships are built on shared interests, emotional support and clandestine loathing. Here are the reasons even the closest of pals secretly despise one another.

Job jealousy

When friends ask each other ‘How’s work going?’, they really want to hear ‘F**king awful, I hate it and I earn nothing’. So imagine the loathing that’s generated when they’re actually told ‘Really well, I just got a raise and my job’s piss easy’. This sort of simmering professional resentment is the bedrock of most adult friendships.

Their house is too nice

Houses are not merely places where you live. As an adult they are a temple to your ego and life status. When you invite good friends over you are really asking them to come and worship at the altar of your own magnificence which also happens to have a fixed APR. Need to establish your dominance? Install bifold doors.

Partner envy

A pair of friends out on a double date is one of the most passive-aggressive sights known to man. On the surface they look like a carefree, fun-loving group of people, but internally they are bitterly jealous and wondering ‘How the f**k did they pull someone so far out of their league?’ The answer is usually: they were very drunk.

Look at their f**king body

Even the most body-positive friends will sneak a look at their pal’s body once in a while and let out a withering sigh of contempt. How are they keeping the bastard thing in shape when they eat shit and barely go to the gym? Maybe they’ve had work done. Tap up your most bitchy mutual friend to confirm this suspicion or start a rumour.

Kids/lack of kids

No matter which camp you fall into, there’s something to hate about either situation. If you’ve got kids then expect friends to envy your settled life and deep human connections. If you haven’t got kids, look out for people resenting your ability to sleep in at the weekends and possess disposable income. It’s a no-win situation.

Dusty skirting boards, and 18 other reasons your landlord won't return your deposit

8th July 2022

LANDLORDS are always looking for new ways to act like pricks. Here are some shit excuses they’ll give for keeping your deposit.

Toilet not clean: What’s happened here is your landlord came round to inspect the flat, went for a shit and is now blaming that on you.

Dusty skirting boards: No one gives a toss about skirting boards. But somehow a few flecks of dust sees you £700 down.

Bins full: You moved out on Tuesday, the council don’t collect bins until Thursday. Would your landlord like the bin men to be able to time travel?

Dirty windows: Your landlord’s freaking out over a tiny smudge on your bathroom window. It’s frosted glass, you can’t see through it anyway.

Carpet looks worn: Carpets get worn. That’s the point. Did he expect you to levitate around the flat?

Fridge not cold enough: The fridge has never been cold enough while you lived there. Probably because it was purchased in 1982.

Leftover furniture: You bought an extra couch for the sitting room and now you’re losing your deposit? You’ve increased the value of that shithole if anything.

Bathroom smells of mildew: Your landlord said they’d fix this when you moved in. He never did, so now it’s your fault.

A single cobweb: You missed a tiny wisp of spider web, which will definitely cost the landlord the best part of a grand to clean. Definitely.

You never gave one: They lie and say you never gave them a deposit, so you can’t have it back.

Garden in a state: The minuscule patio has got some moss in the cracks. Garden not maintained, says your landlord.

Repainted the walls: Apparently your landlord really loved that original stained and peeling beige paintwork.

Smells of food: It’s the afternoon you’re moving out. You had some toast for lunch. But the landlord thinks smells are immovable.

You had a goldfish: When they said no pets you presumed it was to stop fur and shit being left everywhere. How did they even find out you kept a goldfish?

Flat too cold: You left the heating off during the three weeks that elapsed before they bothered coming to inspect. A pipe might have burst. You owe them.

Flat too warm: You left the heating on during the three weeks that elapsed before they bothered coming to inspect. A fire could have started. You owe them.

Curtains: When you moved in there were no curtains, so you got some cheap ones. They aren’t on the inventory, therefore you’ve committed an expensive crime.

Coins down the back of the sofa: What are they complaining about, you accidentally left them more money.

Roof leaking: You live in the basement flat in a shared block, how could it possibly be your fault that the roof’s f**ked? It is, though. Your landlord says so.