Drinking alone only lonely for first bottle, drinkers report

THE nation’s drinkers have confirmed that drinking alone is only a lonely business for the first bottle, after which it is f**king fantastic.

Solo boozers have admitted their first solitary can, glass of wine or vodka-and-coke can feel a bit sad and desperate but advise drinking through it to make those worries simply evaporate.

Hannah Tomlinson, 29, said: “Miraculously this is a problem caused by drink that drink can easily solve.

“The social stigma, the health concerns, all those melt away once you’ve cleared that first bottle of wine. It goes from being an activity you’re unsure about to one you’re all in on.

“Trust me, you’ll need to lay in a few bottles because once you start you won’t want to stop. And you’ll come up with all kinds of other great ideas, like calling your ex, tearing down wallpaper or applying for Love Island.

“It’s even better than going out drinking because you wake up alone too, rather than in some dude’s flat opposite a framed Muse poster wondering what the f**k happened. There really is nothing better.”

She added: “There is the whole alcoholism thing. That’s kind of a problem. But, you know, I don’t want to harsh anyone’s buzz.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Britney Spears topless, and seven other things you never thought you'd totally ignore

TWENTY years ago you would have leapt from a moving train to see Britney Spears topless, boobs covered only by her hands. Now you scroll past it. And these.

A mate who’s on coke

Time was you’d see James going to the gents every 15 minutes and be buzzing around him, his best mate, gagging for a line. If you see it today, you think ‘Ah shit. James is going to be a prick tonight.’

Britney Spears topless

Back in the early aughts Britney topless was a holy grail. We had to settle for Christina Aguilera in FHM even though we knew it wasn’t the real thing. Now she’s topless so often you’ve unfollowed her Instagram.

DVDs for 20p

You spent hours in HMV browsing DVDs, building up your own personal library of your favourite films and comedy. Now they just clutter up charity shops and get ignored at car boot sales.

A limousine

Going back 30 years if a limo passed you would genuinely wonder what celebrity was within. Today you don’t even look up at the prom-going 16-year-olds or hen party.

Strange lights in the sky

What can that unidentified flying object be? An alien? Should you call the X-Files? No. It’s some dick with a drone.

Nicholas Cage in a film

The late 90s? Cage was in classics. The Rock, Con Air, plus he still had that Best Actor Oscar swagger. If you see his name on a film today, you shudder.

An arcade at the seaside

You spent your childhood in arcades watching agog as other kids played Spy Hunter. Even 20 years ago you’d shove a quid in Time Crisis III. Now? They’re full of upscaled games you play free on your mobile. It doesn’t make sense.

Naked people on telly

Once, you and everyone else at your school stayed up until 3.40am for Naked Yoga, which was as unarousing as it sounds. Now you flick past Naked Attraction night after night, jaded at the thought of seeing yet another penis on your telly.