The misogynist's guide to women's football

THE Women’s Euro 2022 is here, leaving many men bewildered and intimidated. Here old school sexist Roy Hobbs explains what it’s all about.

It’s very woke

In this day and age women reckon they have to get in on all the stuff that should be reserved for men, like politics, sport and driving cars. It’s political correctness gone mad to let them play the beautiful game, but that’s what you get for welcoming cultural Marxism into our country.

They’ve nicked the men’s rules

The rules are pretty much the same as for the proper men’s game and they can even understand the offside rule. Matches are still 90 minutes long, which surprises me as you’d think they’d get tired quicker. I suppose all that washing, ironing and cleaning must have built up their stamina.

They don’t understand how to dive

We men know that rolling around on the floor in agony when you’ve been tackled is an important part of the game. Women don’t do this so much, but I guess when your sole purpose in life is to push massive babies out of your fanny you probably have a high pain threshold.

Matches happen in the evenings

I thought they’d play the games in the afternoon before school pick-up time but in fact a lot of the games are evening kick-offs. God knows how they manage to do dinner and wash up beforehand. I guess their husbands are just really supportive and let them do it after they get back from the match.

They don’t understand our noble tradition of losing

England are host nation and one of the favourites to win it, and actually the women’s team do way better in competitions than the men ever have. But that’s because they don’t understand that football isn’t about winning, it’s about men being allowed to get emotional and have an excuse to cuddle each other without worrying about looking gay.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

'Lol', confirm Starmer and Rayner

SIR Keir Starmer and Angela Rayner have released an official statement after being cleared by Durham police simply reading ‘Lol’. 

The Labour leader and deputy leader were investigated for Beergate, a scandal invented by right-wing newspapers, cleared completely and plan an epic piss-up this afternoon.

A spokesman said: “Sir Keir and Angela are out at the pub right now. I mean, you can’t blame them, can you? What a hilarious end to an absolutely cracking week.

“They’ll start easy this afternoon with a few pints outside a Westminster pub, probably raising an ironic toast to ‘Sir Beer Korma’, a phrase the Sun invented that it might not be finding so funny today.

“I imagine they’ll raise a glass to Boris being hoyed out of office for being a lying prick while they get shitfaced. Angela might order a bottle of Veuve Clicquot just to wind up Dominic Raab.

“After that they’ll see where the day takes them – probably an ironic curry – but they want to reinforce that this is f**king hilarious, that they’ve never had more to celebrate, and that it doesn’t matter which twat the Tories elect because even pissed they could kick their arse handily.”

He added: “And just to repeat, for the sake of clarity and schadenfreude: ‘Lol’.”