Wednesday, 12th August 2020

Friends stunned as useless mate gets life together

A GROUP of friends has been let down by the useless anchor of the group getting his life together.

Tom Booker, aged 36, has been dependably disastrous at everything for decades, serving as a useful benchmark for his pals to favourably measure themselves against.

Lifelong friend Steve Malley said: “Tom’s a great mate. He’s always been there for me to make me feel better about my own choices.

“Whether you need a pal for all-day drinking, a shoulder to cry on at 3am or simply someone to buy your spare gig ticket, Tom’s the man. Because he’s always single, out of work and making poor financial decisions.

“Whatever your work, relationship or family problems, Tom’s were dizzyingly worse. But now he’s got a job, he’s seeing someone and he’s made up with his sister. Uh?”

Friend Nikki Hollis agreed: “Obviously, we’re all, like, technically happy for him, but now he’s not regularly flooding his mum’s house and getting speeding tickets it’s putting a lot of pressure on the rest of us.”

The role of group mess will be handed over at the end of the month to Frank, who last month got drunk in Dublin and made some unwise contraceptive choices.