Gen Z couple hires intimacy co-ordinator

A GEN Z couple has taken the first step toward consummating their relationship by hiring an intimacy co-ordinator. 

Lucy Parry and Joshua Hudson, both aged 19, have agreed if they are to have sex they should involve a professional to ensure both parties are continually consenting and the context of their physical actions is properly understood.

Hudson said: “We’re both amateurs in this field. Going ahead without a third party to provide an avenue to report harassment would be irresponsible.

“It’s only £450 as a day rate for an intimacy co-ordinator who’ll choreograph and supervise the whole thing, ensuring everyone’s boundaries are respected and nobody suffers trauma. Knowing if at any moment I’m uncomfortable they’ll call my dad.”

Parry agreed: “If Kate Winslet and Sydney Sweeney say intimacy co-ordinators are necessary then they are. We’ve put together our Christmas money and I’m saving my Greggs wages. We should have enough by May.”

Wayne Hayes, aged 44, said: “I’ve been looking to break into intimacy co-ordinating anyway, because I’m into watching hot people get naked and have or simulate sex.

“Why would anyone want this job for any other reason?”

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We ask you: can the UK possibly survive a huge drop in working Royals?

THE King is undergoing surgery, the Princess of Wales is in hospital and the number of working Royals is approaching crisis point. Can we make it through? 

Norman Steele, livestock farmer: “All building projects should cease immediately. Why finish a new hospital when there’s nobody to cut the ribbon declaring it open?”

Martin Bishop, font designer: “There are plenty of foreign Royals available who’d welcome the chance to step up. Get a couple of those in on short-stay visas. When the proper ones are back, kick them out.”

Sophie Rodriguez, waitress: “Could Andrew still do public appearances if he was strapped to a gurney and wearing a leather mask? I don’t think he’d mind.”

Margaret Gerving, retired headmistress: “And the Sussexes are over there in California laughing at how we’re struggling. You think they’ve got nothing to do with this? Dream on.”

Steve Malley, spot welder: “Wait. There are non-working Royals?”