Ghost them if you like them: dating advice from a 21-year-old man

WOMEN can be difficult to date if you are not possessed of the wisdom of a 21-year-old man who has never had a proper girlfriend. Let me show you how to court: 

Fail to read signals

Women are mysterious creatures who communicate in obscure ways. What could it mean if they send you a message at 1am which reads ‘u up?’ Probably that they want to discuss the state of your platonic friendship. Alternatively, if they just want to be friends, that’s their veiled way of saying they’re really into you.

Don’t ask them about themselves

Forget about your looks or how much money you earn, women are more interested in you banging on about whatever you’re obsessed by. I discuss edgy podcasts I’m listening to, share jokes I stole from the internet that don’t really work without the gif, and never ask them anything about their lives so as not to be rude. If you feel the chat dragging, bring up sex.

Ghost them if you like them

Starting to genuinely connect with a woman? Stop replying to their messages and answering their calls immediately. Block their number, unfollow them on social media, and blank them if you bump into them in real life. This is the most sophisticated way to handle your uncontrollable emotions and she will admire your maturity.

Remember they hate transparency

If there’s one thing women hate it’s men who know what they want out of a relationship and can communicate these desires in a clear manner. Therefore, to avoid angering them, remain as vague and inconsistent as possible. If she brings up old text messages that contradict what you’re saying, gaslight her.

Say you never liked her anyway

If the woman ends things first, which they always seem to for some reason, remember that you never cared about her to begin with. In fact all those love poems you wrote to her were composed out of spite. She probably dumped you because she has commitment issues, after all you’re perfect and don’t need to grow up in any way.

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Child interrogates parents after finding Maltesers wrapper in bin

THE discovery of a Maltesers wrapper in a kitchen bin has forced a six-year-old to interrogate her parents about its origins.

Lauren Hewitt, who found the offending wrapper carefully buried beneath used kitchen roll and a Ryvita packet, quickly pinpointed her parents as the guilty parties because she was given no Maltesers herself.

She said: “The evidence suggests one of them – or perhaps both – secretly scoffed it in the evening whereas I’d had to be content with an apple and a single chocolate digestive as pudding. Which is unfair.

“Chocolate isn’t for adults. Parents should be informed of this at the point of purchase, then have to store it openly in the treat cupboard where it would be available on request. Obviously I should get most of it because I’m a growing girl and do my reading.

“I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to find out who ate what was rightfully mine. Shine bright lights in their eyes, play good cop bad cop, bribe them, sleep deprivation, the works. And if all else fails I’ll throw a tantrum.”

Mum Emma said: “F**k, I’m busted. I’d better hide the Ben & Jerry’s under frozen bags of bolognese or the little bitch will have me bang to rights.”