Good-looking bastard not hiding secret sensitive side

A HANDSOME but obnoxious man is not hiding a deep, sensitive side like in films and is just a prick, it has emerged.

Defying the laws of romantic fiction, 29-year-old Nathan Muir is not rude and unpleasant because he is ‘keeping up his guard’ but because he is just full of himself.

Ex-girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “When I first met Nathan he bumped into me and barked ‘Watch where you’re fucking going’, so I assumed he was deep and troubled underneath.

“I had visions of him opening up to me and confessing he’d lost his mum as a boy and I’m the only woman he’s been able to connect with since.

“It turns out his mum is alive and well and also doesn’t have a clue why he’s such a shit.”

Muir said: “I’m afraid the ladies are not going to discover a deeper side to me. I’ll probably shag them for a bit then abruptly break off all contact, but that’s as good as it gets.

“Even that’s doing them a massive favour. I’m afraid I really am just a twat.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Satan buys Wonga's loan book

THE Devil has bought the £400m loan book of bankrupt payday lender Wonga to take possession of all 200,000 souls inside.

Satan explained that keeping track of whether people had been good or bad was extremely complicated, so he and God had agreed to do it based on credit scores instead.

The Horned One said: “As Psalms 37 says, the wicked borrow and do not repay. That’s good enough for me, even if they just desperately needed the cash for a fridge.

“My legion of demonic bailiffs, who are being filmed for a Channel 5 thing, will appear at your front door in a puff of brimstone demanding worldly goods or immortal souls.

“I’m expecting at least 38,000 new residents of Hell in the next quarter, and once we sort the paperwork so they can sign over the souls of guarantors that should go up exponentially.”

Business secretary Greg Clark said: “Is it wrong to condemn people to eternal suffering for taking out a payday loan? It’s a grey area. After all, these are extremely risky borrowers.”