Have an open relationship, and other terrible sex advice

ARE you and your partner worried about your sex life becoming stale? Here totally unqualified ‘sexpert’ Donna Sheridan gives some advice that will ruin your lives.

Sleep with other people 

If you’re open-minded enough, this will really spice up your sex lives. Although it’s possible one partner will just go out shagging while the less attractive one sits at home, watching TV and crying.

Watch porn together 

All sex experts recommend this. It sounds liberal and erotic, until you realise the bulk of porn is pretty degrading to women. But give it a whirl anyway, you might discover an interest in ‘watersports’, MILF bukkake parties and utterly strange anime porn.

Act out your wildest fantasies 

Don’t be inhibited – if you want to dress as a naughty French maid, go right ahead. The only problem that might arise is if your partner’s fantasies are too strange, eg. they want to try having sex with fish while dressed as Captain Birdseye.

Experiment with bondage

There’s no way inflicting pain on your partner, or vice versa, could cause problems in a relationship! It all looked pretty sexy in 50 Shades of Gray, which is admittedly the only research I’ve done into this.

Talk about what turns you on

Endlessly discuss your sex life. You’ll learn how to maximise each other’s pleasure, until you get so bored of sex talk you’d rather discuss rising inflation rates. And don’t forget to mention it in any social situation – dinner party guests will be fascinated by your decision to experiment with butt plugs.

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Why my Andrew wouldn't do nuffink like what they said he done, by the Queen

SO I’ve been reading the papers, giving it all this about my boy Andrew and I was all set to get in the car and go down to that Fleet Street and ask some of them editors outside. 

Some of the things they said he got up to was disgusting. Tells you a lot more about the dirty minds of the people who think up this stuff than it does my boy. C’mon, you slags, let’s have this out on the f**king pavement. That’s what I’d have said to them.

And these girls, what about their parents? Them’s who I blame. Letting them out, going all round the world, parading themselves, trying to marry up. Well not with my Andrew! 

Anyway, he says he don’t remember nuffink ‘cos he was having pizza at the time and them photos, well it was probably one of those lookalikes like that old bird who pretends to be me.

He deserves the Victoria Cross for what he done getting our Falklands back off the Argies. Blood, sweat and tears he gave. Well, not sweat, obviously. Imagine not being able to f**king sweat! Poor little lad must be hot all the time.

A mum’s not supposed to have favourites but when you’ve got such a lovely, handsome, brave boy like my Andrew, well, it’s impossible, innit?

So lay off him. I’ll clout you with my f**king crown if you start messing. He’s still a bachelor boy holding out for a nice suitable girl so hands off.