How are you weird about sex?

IN our own special way each of us is a bit f**ked up about sex. In what ways are you weird about it?

You talk about it

Obviously, when it comes to sex the normal thing to do is maintain a code of silence. If you’re pushed to talk about it, clam up like an oligarch being questioned about his income stream. Chatting openly about genital fun without so much as a blush is downright freaky.

You’re confident

Thinking you’re good at sex is very weird. Why aren’t you insecure in bed, like everyone else? Being assured and asking for what you like instead of being crippled with self-doubt will leave any partner wondering what lack of traumatic experience made you this way.

You’re spontaneous

So much for being uptight and scheduling lovemaking like a normal person: on a certain day of the week, at a certain time, in a certain routine order. If you’re capable of responding to the moment and letting your animal passion take control, know that your partner is Googling ‘spontaneous sex and how to stop it’ afterwards.

You’re open to anything

Being open-minded about whatever your partner’s into, not cringing with embarrassment at the thought of hearing about their minor kinks, willing to give life to their deepest sexual fantasy, is an absolute deal-breaker. No wonder none of your exes can look you in the eye.

You’re thinking about the person you’re with

Any decent person lets their body go through the motions while they imagine shagging a celebrity, an ex or simply someone who regularly gets their train. If you’re in the moment with the person you’re shagging chasing emotional connection, that’s a massive red flag.

You’re not weird about it

When it comes to sex, there’s nothing weirder than somebody who’s not weird about it. The last thing any sexual partner can get their head around is a lover who’s comfortable in their own skin, accepting instead of awkward, communicating without judgement. What the f**k is wrong with you?

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'America bad therefore Russia good' – a hard-leftist's guide to geopolitics

HAVE you jumped to the conclusion that Russia invading Ukraine makes them the bad guys? Let me steer you left with Bill McKay’s Socialist Guide to Geopolitics: 

American bad therefore Russia good

Think Russia’s bad? That’s because you’re a mindless cog in the USA’s capitalist-imperialist war machine. Consider everything America has done wrong, from Vietnam to throwing me out of Disneyworld for public urination. Could any country be worse? No. Therefore Russia is good.

NATO causes every war

NATO’s aggressive expansion into countries that want to be members is a major threat to the freedom of Russia. Most men and women on the street don’t know that NATO is a front for the European-American alliance of neocons who – far from wanting to stop war – actually love it. They just act like they don’t to fool you.

It’s the media

The media is spreading deranged lies fed to them by military sources and banging the drum for war, leaving Russia with no choice but to massively increase troop numbers at borders to counter wildly hostile and biased reporting. If those troops shell back against the damage to their reputations, who could blame them?

This is all a distraction from Israel

The most pressing matter of our age is the plight of the Palestinian people in the face of colonialist apartheid, and it’s a mark of profound disrespect to intervene in any military crisis anywhere in the world when that remains unresolved. While America is still funding Israel, any other thing they do on the world stage is always and necessarily evil.

Communism gets a bad rap

Before you accuse Putin of murdering his enemies, or China of putting Uyghurs in concentration camps, remember that the world media wants you to think ill of them. It’s not long before you can extrapolate that no human rights abuses have ever happened there and they’re actually very cuddly.