How will your Valentine's Day turn out to be shit?

YES, it’s that time of year when society decides you should be unrealistically loved-up. So how is Valentine’s Day not living up to expectations for you?

You are single

A significant obstacle to enjoying Valentine’s Day. You could try making a dummy from old clothes stuffed with newspaper and romantically ‘feeding’ it chocolate mousse, but this may ultimately be more depressing than ITV news then an early night.

You are not that keen on your partner

If your relationship is based on a fear of being alone or just laziness, make things more romantic by imagining your partner is someone you really do fancy, maybe one of their friends or a celebrity. Just don’t blurt out “I love you, Kirsten Dunst!” as that is a bit of a giveaway.

You are not a touchy-feely advert couple

Couples in adverts are always touching and hugging, or tumbling around the sofa/bedroom like sexually attractive bears. Start doing things like covering your partner’s eyes from behind then laughing uproariously together in a weird, false way.

You are blatantly being fleeced

Apparently a crap meal is worth an extra £30 if it comes with a tatty rose and a balloon, and you have to pay it because everywhere is booked. The Krays would have loved this little racket.

You can’t face doing strange lovey-dovey things   

Relationship experts always recommend romantic gestures like scattering the bedroom with rose petals, but there’s not not much point if your partner is going to say, “What the fuck are you doing? Go and get the hoover.”

You are just shit at being romantic

Maybe your gift of sexy underwear was met with hysterical laughter, or your surprise trip to Paris was a knackering logistical nightmare. Just accept you’re crap at Valentine’s Day. Easter will be a lot simpler as it’s just chocolate, not confusing love stuff.

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Optimist buying Asda Valentine's meal deal and condoms

A MAN buying a Valentine’s-themed meal deal in Asda is unlikely to get to use the condoms he’s also purchasing.

Martin Bishop was later spotted adding a tube of scented massage oil to his basket, which prompted further looks of pity and sorrow from men in the same aisle.

Onlooker Tom Logan said: “Poor bloke. He’s trying his best, but he’s obviously a total novice at this game. If I bought my girlfriend a bottle of cheap cava and a soggy beef wellington she’d tell me to stick them where the sun doesn’t shine. 

“And the same goes for her. One year she bought me cologne that smelt like spicy farts and some chocolate body paint. We teetered on the edge of breaking up before making a pact that we would never indulge this mad bullshit ever again.

“I feel like I should say something, but perhaps it’s best to let him learn from his own mistakes. I guess he can’t do anything else now to make his date less likely to want to shag him.”

Bishop said: “I just need to pick up an edible thong and I’m all set.”