Saturday, 24th October 2020

How to be into superheroes but still have sex with ladies

DO you know rather too much about superheroes, but also desire a sexual relationship with a real-life woman? Trick them into thinking you’re normal: 

Pretend they’re intellectual graphic novels

Today’s superheroes have often been given a dark reboot with weighty themes, so really it’s like reading Proust if his characters dressed as animals and battled goth clowns. If you can convince a lady that Batman vs Three Jokers is basically Atonement, you might have a chance.

Keep your enthusiasm in check

On a date, stop talking if you find yourself expounding on any of these topics: Doctor Strange’s Eye of Agamotto; the out-of-print Avengers-Justice League crossover; the surprisingly deep characterisation of Rocket Raccoon.

Set your standards lower than Wonder Woman

Being a nerd, you’re bound to be hopelessly in love with Wonder Woman, Black Widow, Jean Grey and so on, all of whom are unfeasibly attractive. But you’ll have to compromise because Gal Gadot is not in Luton or on Tinder.

Be attractive to the ladies in some other way

Find a desirable trait to overshadow your huge Teen Titans collection, for example professional footballer or a tech billionaire. Your chances are almost nil but at least it stops you thinking about that missing Deathstroke first appearance all the time.

Hide the comics

It’s usually considered best to be honest with your partner but discard that advice if you love Sue Storm more than her, which you do. Invest in a padlock for the loft instead.

Keep superheroes out of the bedroom

If you’ve somehow found a superhero-tolerant sexual partner, don’t ruin it by suggesting sexy cosplay. Even the most broadminded female will not wish to be She-Hulk, and she’ll certainly be disturbed by you wanting to bum Batman.