How to blame your husband's cheating entirely on the women he's cheating with: a guide for WAGs

HUSBAND cheating? Husband also a multi-millionaire footballer? Then it can’t be his fault and it must be that bitch’s. Here’s how to shift blame: 

She’s a slag

Your partner, the father of your children, is a flawed character. You’ve accepted that, so great is your love for him. But her? She’s a gutter slut which is why she would stoop so low as to offer herself up for no-strings-attached and coincidentally no-contraception-used sex with your man. You’re almost glad this happened because it exposed her for what she is.

If he’s offered it on a plate

No man can refused sex if it’s offered him on a plate, can he? Your husband’s just a slave to his instincts. No matter that he refuses temptations offered on literal plates, ie fried chicken or cocaine, because they’d knacker his career but is apparently powerless to resist this particular one. That’s nothing to do with anything.

Be pregnant

It always helps to be pregnant. Gives you a good excuse for his behaviour, ie you were too distracted carrying yet another of his kids to shag him properly like what you usually do, as you tell Hello, and automatically makes you the virtuous party. If she’s pregnant? Only proves what a deceitful whore she is.

Take the battle to Instagram

The struggle for supremacy with your rival should be conducted entirely on Instagram. Post images of yourself looking beautiful and strong, get fellow WAGs to offer sympathetic comments, and find gnomic quotes in cursive to post without comment. Stuff like ‘Kings rule but queens conquer’ sound like Shakespeare to you.

Instruct lawyers

But don’t actually. Getting actual lawyers involved f**ked Rebekah Vardy right up. And no lawyer will be able to hear your story of being wronged without suggesting divorce, when why should you suffer when it’s all her fault? But say you’re instructing lawyers because it seems terribly dignified.

Never admit that you’re basically identical

Not just physically, because you both have the same eyebrows and fillers and boob jobs and veneers and tweakments, but morally. Because the key difference that makes you a better person is: you got there first. Though perhaps it’s because you’re physically identical he shagged her by mistake? That’s a good line. OK! will like that one.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Royal brain-swap a success

THE brain transplant between the King and the Princess of Wales has been a resounding success, doctors have confirmed.

His Royal Highness and Kate have safely returned to their respective homes after undergoing a lengthy brain-swap operation which will allow the King’s ageing mind to reign for half a century in a new host.

Surgeon Martin Bishop said: “You think them both returning home on the same day is a neat coincidence? Cute.

“Look closely and you’ll see Charles’s body mincing along as if he should be wearing heels or staring at his reflection in horror when he walks past windows. But he wasn’t prepared to settle for a couple of decrepit decades in power after a lifetime waiting.

“Meanwhile Kate, in his aged body, will be staggering arm-in-arm with Camilla, trying to enjoy the benefits of power while she has it. Stripping Harry and Meghan of titles and their daughter’s name, executing old school rivals for sedition, etcetera. Having fun with it.

“We’re not making a big secret of it because the public will embrace it. Basically we now have a King in the body of a princess, which means we sort of have a Queen again, like when we were all happy.

“And when she goes, we get our old familiar Charlie but younger and prettier. It’s great for everyone. Except William. It doesn’t really work out that well for William.”