How to convince yourself someone fancies you

ARE you hoping a friend or colleague fancies you? Is the evidence flimsy, but open to interpretation? Talk yourself into it: 

You have successfully lent them things 

Accepting your offer of the loan of a book or DVD means they want to know about you. Your likes, your dislikes, that you identify with John Wick. There’s no chance they could just be mildly curious about Westworld.

They put kisses on emails 

With extremely wishful thinking that ‘x’ at the end of a work email about invoices is a real kiss. If they sign one off with ‘xx’ you can plausibly claim to be ‘involved’.

They let you help them move flat 

Volunteering to help someone move house, especially at short notice, is a great way to find out about them. This is definitely a sign that they have feelings for you which will blossom into love and sex, even if it turns out you are helping them move in with their boyfriend.

They invite you to the pub

In your pathetic besotted state you’ll easily ignore the fact that other people are coming too and it’s not a date – unless they also fancy nine co-workers of both sexes including the obese guy from IT support who keeps going on about Babylon 5.

You get on really well

You do! Of course, this has nothing to do with you constantly agreeing with them and buying them coffees and racking your brain for funny things to say when you talk to them.

Their partner is just a temporary mistake 

If the person you want to fancy you is in a relationship, invent whatever story about it you like. If they delightedly announce they’re getting married, they just don’t want to disappoint their relatives.

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University to be turned into student housing

A UNIVERSITY’S campus is to be entirely converted into student living accommodation, it has announced. 

The University of Brighton has decided that, since even with £9,250pa tuition fees, teaching facilities are unprofitable compared to fancy flats with a shared gym and pool table.

Student housing now makes up the majority of land use in the UK, ahead of Cash 4 Gold shops, hospital car parks, and those adventure courses where you climb along ropes between trees.

Vice-chancellor Denys Finch Hatton said: “This is valuable land. Ethically and intellectually, we don’t have a choice.

“The library will become library-themed housing with the books all glued to the shelves to make walls, the science labs will have that industrial space feel, and the refectory will be crappy little bedsits for the British students.

“The students will still be required to attend for three years, go to free booze promotions at converted lecture theatres, do no work and at the end graduate with a degree.

“I promise, they won’t notice any difference.”