How to cope when you've been dumped for someone objectively better

8th August 2023

HAPPENS to us all. It’s not you, it’s them, or rather, it’s someone else. A little social media stalking reveals the new lover is much more attractive than you. So what do you do?

Be grateful you weren’t dumped for someone worse

Face it, it’s what any sane individual would have done in that situation. The man was simply overawed by tits. None of your friends and family think he made a mistake and openly say they would’ve done the same thing. At least it’s better than being dumped for a criminal, estate agent, drug addict or Nigel Farage.

Try not to feel bad about yourself

You too could be a stockbroker on a six figure salary if only you’d worked a bit harder at school. And her boobs look fake anyway. Same for the sultry lips, fluttering eyelashes and glowing skin of a 24-year-old. Undoubtedly all fake, anyone could look like that with enough plastic surgery. You could have all of those if only you weren’t totally broke. And, if it’s not surgery, then it’s definitely all just filters and good camera angles.

Look elsewhere

There’s plenty more fish in the sea, you just need a girl who appreciates you for the unique qualities which make you such a special individual. You have some basic French from school, your ex once said you ‘tried hard’ at sex and you can remember all the footballers from the England ’96 squad. Someone’s bound to snap that up.

Pick tiny holes

She may have a big house, long legs, film star good looks and – most importantly – your man, but she does have quite a big nose, doesn’t she? You have a lovely nose. I bet he prefers your nose. He probably misses it. And you’ve just been promoted to Regional Sales Manager. He must be lying awake next to Big Ol’ Conk Face thinking about missing out on that.

Make up wild accusations

While he may be a doctor who opened a children’s hospital, there’s a photo of him sipping champagne in a private box watching his racehorse win at the Grand National. Probably an alcoholic. Or cruel to animals. Wouldn’t hurt for you to mention that to a few people, make sure they know what he’s really like. You’re still winning.

Be happy for them

Don’t be silly, you’re not going to do that.

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Women add penalties to long list of things they’re better at than men

8th August 2023

WOMEN have added scoring penalties to the long, long list of things they are better at than men, it has emerged.

Hoofing footballs into a goal from the 12-yard spot has been written at the bottom of the dictionary-length list that also contains multi-tasking, remembering birthdays, and finding items that are right there in front of you if only you looked properly.

Woman Lauren Hewitt said: “If men had been playing yesterday then England would have crashed out. Meanwhile the Lionesses barely scraped through because women are inherently superior.

“That means the sisterhood can now add ‘winning penalties’ in gel pen bubble writing to our extensive compendium of male-beating qualities. Admittedly it would be much faster to itemise the handful of things we’re worse at than men, but where’s the smug sense of self satisfaction in that?

“Given the fuss the blokes made about them, we assumed scoring penalties was really difficult. Turns out they’re a piece of piss and Georgia Stanway probably only missed to lull Nigeria into a false sense of security.

“I wonder what we’ll be better than men at next? Parallel parking, not asking for directions, or maybe being selfish in bed? Only time will tell.”

Man Wayne Hayes said: “Fair play, we’ll give you penalties. Male footballers are still way better at having unprofessional meltdowns than Lauren James though.”

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