IT’S a major inconvenience when your enormous unnecessary vehicle is off the road. However, don’t let that stop you from irritating others.
Harass the mechanic
Despite the fact that it’s a horribly tacky monster of a car, you think your Range Rover Evoque is the most special vehicle in the world, and therefore deserves priority treatment. Piss off the mechanic by phoning several times a day for an ‘update’, as if your car is a beloved relative in the ICU, rather than an ugly lump of metal that you dumbly paid £40k for.
Document your tribulations on social media
Not content with moaning to your nearest and dearest about how bereft you are without your massive car, involve online acquaintances in your self-involved bullshit by posting about it on social media. Most people will think you’re a sad dickhead, but there will be a small contingent of equally pathetic SUV enthusiasts to commiserate with you.
Hog the pavement
If you can’t hog the road in your ridiculous vehicle, hog the pavement as a pedestrian instead. Refuse to move aside for wheelchair users and people with buggies, and barrel right into small children before barking at them that they should be looking where they’re going. But remember, you can’t lock the doors and speed away when you’re walking, so think twice before calling someone a wanker when they accidentally step in front of you coming out of Tesco.
Drive the courtesy car like a prick
You’re appalled that the garage has not recognised your obvious superiority as a person because you drive a Toyota RAV4, and has given you a Honda Jazz to use in the meantime like all the other plebs. Drive like more of a bellend than usual, just to take the edge off the terrible rage that this unimaginable insult causes.
Tell strangers your penis size
Ultimately, having a huge, shiny car that is capable of driving across the Sahara but you only use to drive the kids to school is all about showing off. You may as well wear a sign that says ‘Look at me! I am incredibly insecure and need to prove my worth with an obvious status symbol’. If you’re feeling anxious without your Hyundai Tucson-shaped comfort blanket, use other methods of self-soothing until you can get it back, such as mentioning your penis size to total strangers. They will think you’re an utter twat, and they’ll be right.
