How to still be a prick to strangers when your SUV is in the garage

IT’S a major inconvenience when your enormous unnecessary vehicle is off the road. However, don’t let that stop you from irritating others.

Harass the mechanic

Despite the fact that it’s a horribly tacky monster of a car, you think your Range Rover Evoque is the most special vehicle in the world, and therefore deserves priority treatment. Piss off the mechanic by phoning several times a day for an ‘update’, as if your car is a beloved relative in the ICU, rather than an ugly lump of metal that you dumbly paid £40k for.

Document your tribulations on social media

Not content with moaning to your nearest and dearest about how bereft you are without your massive car, involve online acquaintances in your self-involved bullshit by posting about it on social media. Most people will think you’re a sad dickhead, but there will be a small contingent of equally pathetic SUV enthusiasts to commiserate with you.

Hog the pavement

If you can’t hog the road in your ridiculous vehicle, hog the pavement as a pedestrian instead. Refuse to move aside for wheelchair users and people with buggies, and barrel right into small children before barking at them that they should be looking where they’re going. But remember, you can’t lock the doors and speed away when you’re walking, so think twice before calling someone a wanker when they accidentally step in front of you coming out of Tesco.

Drive the courtesy car like a prick

You’re appalled that the garage has not recognised your obvious superiority as a person because you drive a Toyota RAV4, and has given you a Honda Jazz to use in the meantime like all the other plebs. Drive like more of a bellend than usual, just to take the edge off the terrible rage that this unimaginable insult causes.

Tell strangers your penis size

Ultimately, having a huge, shiny car that is capable of driving across the Sahara but you only use to drive the kids to school is all about showing off. You may as well wear a sign that says ‘Look at me! I am incredibly insecure and need to prove my worth with an obvious status symbol’. If you’re feeling anxious without your Hyundai Tucson-shaped comfort blanket, use other methods of self-soothing until you can get it back, such as mentioning your penis size to total strangers. They will think you’re an utter twat, and they’ll be right.

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Is your office politics worse than real politics?

BOTH are filled with backstabbers and sociopaths, but are your office politics worse than what goes on in Whitehall? Find out:

How are disputes resolved?

A) With a shirty email from HR that’s simmering with the thinly-veiled threat of being fired and has a bone-chilling sign off of ‘regards’.

B) Via petty grudge matches waged in public that can be traced back to who got to wear a more colourful waistcoat at Eton.

Who tends to get promoted?

A) Soulless brown-nosers who don’t seem to have a life outside of their job. They will eventually earn £90k a year and retire at 50, while you slog on until at least 75.

B) Charismatic morons whose frightening ineptitude will doom us all. Only the most venal and Machiavellian can stick it for long enough to rise to the top.

Who controls the purse strings?

A) The boss guards the petty cash tin like Smaug but they have been known to splash out on a single ice lolly for each member of the team to enjoy during the summer. And that’s in lieu of a pay rise.

B) Some useless bastard who has already f**ked over the NHS. But it doesn’t really matter as there’s no money anyway, aside from all the spare millions they suddenly find when they want to do things like house refugees on miserable, unsafe barges.

What happens if you bend the rules?

A) If my lunch break overruns because I simply couldn’t be arsed to return, I bring some cakes back with me and am instantly forgiven.

B) Nothing at all. Probably end up with a peerage and a lifetime income from the House of Lords. A bit of corruption is expected, to be honest.

Is your work environment riddled with yes-men?

A) Yes.
B) Yes.


Mostly As: Your struggles and infractions are peanuts compared to what the government gets up to, however your job has no meaning and you’ll be completely forgotten by history.

Mostly Bs: Your abuse of power has wrecked the country for the foreseeable future. But at least you don’t have to go on tedious team building exercises with people you hate.