Celebs you hypothetically wouldn't shag for unreasonably picky reasons

YOU’RE in no position to pick and choose which attractive, multi-millionaire celebrities you’d sleep with. But here are some who wouldn’t make the grade for admittedly strange reasons.

Kim Kardashian: overexposed

Kim is undoubtedly attractive, and she’d certainly be the star attraction in your local, even on Pie and a Pint Night. But thanks to her job you know everything about her: her fashion tastes, her exes, even her contouring techniques, and that’s not normal for a bloke. There’d be no surprises in the relationship, and you’d grow jaded and split. With plenty of other entirely hypothetical celebrity partners you don’t know much about, eg. Heather Graham, why take the risk?

Benedict Cumberbatch: too gangly

Once you’ve noticed the similarity between Benedict and the giant teacher puppet Pink Floyd took on tour for The Wall you can’t forget it. It could quickly become an issue when going to sleep, with Benedict’s spindly limbs sticking out everywhere like a posh spider, and you wishing you’d shagged a more compact celebrity, like Hobbit Martin Freeman.

Anya Taylor-Joy: looks like she should be at school

The star of The Menu is actually 27, but looks a lot younger, and it doesn’t help if you remember her from 2015’s The Witch. In paedo-obsessed Britain just going to the pub could be a bit scary, or a non-starter if she forgets her ID. Sure, it’s all in your head, but you couldn’t enjoy spending time together if you were irrationally worrying about whether she’d done her homework. At least you’re being responsible for once, in an utterly deranged way.

George Clooney: too suave

George appears to be as suave and sophisticated as his characters, but that’s a double-edged sword. If he found you eating Dairylea slices out of the fridge, he’d probably say: ‘Darling, stop, I’ll get my chef to bring you some French truffle-infused cheddar with a 1990 Bordeaux.’ You’d get sick of the non-stop palaver, and you could forget about slobbing out in stained jogging pants or picking your nose and eating the bogies. No one wants to live like that.

Rihanna: was in Battleship

Should you bear a grudge against a beautiful, talented woman because she was in a shit film in 2012? Yes, if it was Battleship. From the opening scenes of unfunny comedy to the illogicality of alien craft that refuse to leave a grid pattern, that film sucked megaballs, and Rihanna was partly responsible. ‘Let it go,’ your friends would say. They haven’t seen Battleship.

Daniel Craig: probably doesn’t like fun days out

Daniel had better be a bit more f**king cheerful in real life than James Bond in the last few outings. However, you suspect he’s not and interviews suggest he’s pretty up himself. Every time you suggested going to Stoke Waterworld he’d be making excuses or droning on about wanting to do Chekov. If you finally persuaded him to go to Chester Zoo he probably wouldn’t even laugh at the penguins, and they’re brilliant. What a twat.

Gal Gadot: comics noob

Is Gal even aware that Kristen Wiig’s Cheetah in Wonder Woman 1984 is a travesty of the comic version in Wonder Woman #6 (1986)? Has she read Crisis On Infinite Earths, compulsory for any serious student of DC canon? You couldn’t introduce Gal to your comic book mates in case she made an embarrassing faux pas like not knowing who Harbinger is. Sadly it seems some entirely hypothetical fantasy shags just weren’t meant to be.

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Giddy excitement to bitter disappointment: the six stages of seeing the TV wheeled in at primary school

FEW things were more thrilling as a child than seeing the TV being wheeled into your classroom. However, the fun always ended in disillusionment, in these stages:

Giddy excitement

‘Amazing! TV during school!’ you thought as the teacher trundled the telly in, your stupid, childish brain convinced that the whole class was going to sack off boring lessons and watch Danger Mouse all day instead. That obviously wasn’t going to happen, however much Mr Higgs wished it could as well.

Mild suspicion

Um, hang on. Where’s CBBC? That’s on BBC1, not BBC2. And it’s the wrong time of day. If you’ve been off school sick watching telly your mum always puts on a dreadfully boring Europe-themed game show called Going For Gold about now. You begin to suspect it isn’t going to be episodes of Super Ted until home time.

Resurge of excitement

Oh my god! It’s the tail end of last night’s Neighbours. You can’t believe you’re seeing Helen Daniels at school! The whole class shrieks with excitement until the teacher hurriedly switches over to a boring clock with a title saying ‘Programme follows shortly’. Everyone falls silent again.

Dawning realisation

Oh right. You see what’s going on. This isn’t an exciting escape from the prison of the school curriculum. It’s a way for Mr Higgs to put his feet up for 20 minutes while you’re all bored rigid by some educational programming. Your friend Martin says Mr Higgs is probably hungover, but you don’t know what that means. He does look a bit pale though.


OK, so maybe it’s not all bad. Yeah, it’s schools programming, but you might be lucky and get something vaguely bearable like Geordie Racer or Through The Dragon’s Eye. You’d even put up with You and Me, as it’s got a funky reggae theme tune. You giggle at Martin saying Mr Higgs looks like he’s going to barf.

Bitter disappointment

Oh, f**king brilliant. It’s not any of the good stuff, it’s a repeat of Picture Box from 1979 featuring some old duffer droning his way through Peter and the Wolf. You’d honestly rather be doing a maths workbook. You hope Mr Higgs’ hangover gets worse and you can have a supply teacher to bully tomorrow.