GOING on a ‘date’ is worrying if all your previous relationships have been based on drunken snogs. Here are the basics of what to do:
A good start to a date is to actually go. The options on Tinder are many, but you shouldn’t just ignore actual human beings because you’re a bit tired and fancy a pizza instead. Even if you’ve ordered chicken wings.
Greasy, matted hair and a weird beard isn’t a good look for men. For women, make a basic attempt at dressing yourself in outdoor clothes, even if you’ve spent the last 18 months in sweaty pyjamas.
Talk about your achievements as much as possible
You’ve got to make yourself seem impressive. It doesn’t matter if the other person barely has time to speak – keep hammering home interesting facts, such as how you’ve been promoted to deputy logistics manager, or are repairing your motorbike.
Talk about your family
Anyone on a date wants to know about your family stuff, eg. your sister-in-law is thinking of moving to Worcester. Your mum’s angina is also a topic that will have people hopping into bed with you. The trivia of their nearest and dearest will be dull, but yours is endlessly fascinating.
Discuss sex immediately
Ask if the other person will have sex with you within five minutes of meeting for the first time. If not, leave. Restaurants can be quite expensive, so you’ll have saved at least £15. Also put the free breadsticks in your pocket.
Compliment your date
Everyone likes to be flattered. Try saying things like: ‘You have beautiful arm hair’, ‘I like your large breasts’ or ‘You’ve got a nice face despite being overweight’. If they don’t immediately slap you over your ham-fisted attempts at being nice, they might be marriage material.